fear confirmed and brought kicking and screaming into daylight
i don't know what's wrong with me.
i want you to be happy but am just making you sad
kiss me I don't want to think anymore
God loves you as you are
Greg, Kristen, Alex, Melissa, Scott, Angela, Charles and others all accept you as you are right now and how you were a year ago.
Why did I cry in May? Because I cared for you and saw that you liked me and saw how much it'd hurt if I was scared off.
I'm so sorry to put you through this.
yes, it's good to be open and honest.
I wonder if that's a bit naive and that some things shouldn't be mentioned even if they are thought.
I have already decided that I'll need a better excuse to walk away than that one. So in a sense the point is moot.
I'm sorry I made you feel bad. I'm glad you opened up to me though. I didn't realize how deep and raw the pain is.
Is there anything I can do or say now that can make it better?
Try not to worry about it.

Lord, keep her safe and alert as she travels the road. Amen

It isn't the issue that scares me. It's the conversation about the issue that I'm afraid will mess up what we have.

Don't worry.

I'm still sorting through some thoughts and thinking about how to say it. I like what we have now. I want to be open about what is concerning me but I don't know if it's even necessary to talk about (or it wouldn't have been if I hadn't said anything). I just don't want to mess up what we already have by saying something stupid and ultimately unnecessary. And yet here I am yammering on about it in vague terms making you worry and wonder. Fear is the path to the dark side. Oh wait, you haven't seen episode 3 yet. :p

I'm happier with you than I've been my entire adult life.

I have a girlfriend. :) I'm still not exactly sure what that's going to mean for us, but I look forward to finding out too. :p

Well now, It's finally happened. RR and I are now officially dating. Most of my family knows but as far as I know none of my friends here in town know. Well, they haven't asked :)

What does it mean to have a girlfriend and be in a committed relationship? Honestly, I don't know. We've been talking almost every day for nearly 6 months. Now that she's within arms length we haven't been very far apart for very long. I think the only times I could've spent with her but didn't were my lunch breaks at work. Part of the reason I didn't invite her to all of them is that I didn't want to have to give directions. I suppose some space is good though. Now she's on the road, headed for Roanoke for the week. I think I'll like being back to pure conversation without the distraction of being together. Don't get me wrong, being together is muy bueno and ultimately critical for a solid relationship. There's something special about our phone time that is perhaps hampered by the newness of this all when she's here.

ahh i'm falling asleep. i should go.

Lord, guide her safely to her destination, help us to keep You as the highest point in our lives and never plpace each other in Your place.

Yay!

and in other news

Apple released an update to iSync and it finally supports my phone. Now My calendar and address books can match. Of course that nearly makes the little app I bought to sync the address book obsolete. Oh well.

Well, RR has been here since Thursday night. She's staying in the apartment of a friend for the weekend until one of my room mates gets back in town. Then she'll stay with us for the rest of her time in Lynchburg. It was decided that we wouldn't be in the same house overnight without someone else here.
It's nice having her around.
Of course, there are things I worry about and maybe some I should that I'm not. I'm not 100% sure about us, but I figure I'll enjoy what we have now and not worry about the rest until later. Are we being too "friendly?", I wonder.
It's nice having her around.
It seems a bit more difficult to come up with things to say while we're together than it was on the phone. I wonder why. I'm not sure the reality of the situation has completely sunk in yet.
Ah but it's nice having her around.

Thank God.

She said i was right. :p

and so begins another new chapter...

I'm now in an odd mood akin to melancholy or nostalgia but with no object. Some of this can be attributed to having just finished watching Gungrave disc 5. It's a Japanese animated TV series (anime) about a man who was in the mafia. He is loyal to the organization, or rather the organization as it was. Now he has to fight his old friends and comrades and I suppose take down the very thing he's fighting for and against.

It's a twisted situation that, while being fantasy, could happen. I can imagine fighting for the ideals of a country or revolution and then find that your cause has been co-opted and now you're on the outside. Okay, that's not entirely true. I can't imagine fighting. Well, that's not entirely true either. I can picture it if I try, but I don't really want to.

I've been playing the Battlefield 2 demo. It's an online video game where you and up to 63 other players play war. It doesn't make me want to go out and shoot someone. It doesn't make me want to go to war. It's fun but I don't want to live it. There are two teams. One is the US Marines and the other is some mid-east army. As an American citizen I really dislike playing on the other team. Sometimes it forces you to so that the game play is fair. I'd rather quit that game and go find a different server and join another one. I feel the same way in Counter Strike. I don't like playing the terrorists. I'd much rather be a counter-terrorist. I know it's just a game, but somehow it doesn't feel good to be on the wrong side.

After work I went for a motorcycle ride with Rachel. It was a nice day for it. There was a haze in the air that marred the scenic wonder of the area. The landscape is prettier when it's clear out. After the ride we ate at a pizza place I'd been wanting to try. It was okay. The sell pizza by the slice like they do in the places I used to frequent in PA. The pizza was not the greatest but it was pretty edible.

RR has started her journey here. The first step is a small one. From Tacoma, WA to Portland, OR. After a bit of time there she plans on driving to Oklahoma in three days or so. She'll rest there for a few days before continuing on to Virginia.

I don't know exactly what will happen then. I guess I'll find out when that happens. :) I hope and pray that she gets here safely.

Amazon.com: Books: Under the Overpass : A Journey of Faith on the Streets of America

There was an interview with the author of this book on the Christian radio station this morning. I heard a bit of it on my way out and decided to tune in and hear the rest on the way to work. This guy decided to live as a homeless person for 5 months or so to see how the church deals with the homeless. It got me thinking a little bit about faith and location. Is it easier to trust God in familiar surroundings? I suppose it's easier to rely on yourself in familiarity and fear the unfamiliar. A few weeks ago Darrel supposed that Christians would be better suited for deep space exploration (should the technology advance that far) that atheists and agnostics. His reasoning was that we believe God is everywhere and can protect and provide for us anywhere He wishes. That got me thinking a bit about RR moving across the country to a new place where she knows only a couple of people who'll be hours away. However the God she trusts int he Pacific North-West looks over the Mid-Atlantic States as well.

Rest easy and try to be content in your situation. Sometimes the timing isn't up to you and maybe things just aren't ready for you here yet.

:D

This sounds like something RR would like to be involved in given the opportunity. It fits with her talents and skills as well as her heart for loving people in practical ways.

Storytelling Medicine

I do kind of wish I knew more about my own parents. It's not like me to ask the questions though. I wonder why I'm so hesitant in this sort of thing.

July 3rd, 2005

I partly would like to write a bit of poetry in commemoration of a cross country trip and the preparations of the traveler. Too bad I'm not quite in that mood. ;)

Today was good. I went to church and actually got there a little before the service started. I nearly met a girl who was visiting the church for the first time. She sat in the row behind me. Well, she sat down in the row I was going to sit in so I decided to sit in the row in front of her. Darryl's Bible was already there and I wanted to save space for whatever other friends would sit there. Rachel is the only one that showed up of the group that usually sits there. It was communion Sunday and there were a lot of announcements, it seemed, so they didn't have the midservice "greet your neighbors" time while the kids were dismissed to their classes. Because of that I had less opportunity to casually turn around and introduce myself. That's okay though. I don't really want to start something new with someone new so close to the time when RR and I can actually spend time together. I mean, that'd just complicate things unnecessarily. I don't want to do that. I did feel a little bad about her sitting by herself. Eventually some other people came in and sat down beside her and I'm not terribly good at making people feel welcome and at ease. It's not my gift :)

The sermon was based in the second half of Galatians 3. It was about the law and it's relationship to Christ as well as being descendants of Abraham and children of God because of our faith in him. It was my week to help clean up after church so I did.

I went to the grocery store and bought some soda in anticipation of several people coming over for a cookout Tim called for lunch. I got home and cleaned the grill slightly, put the soda in the fridge and poured some ice into a separate container. No one showed up for lunch. Some people did eventually show up later. Most of my afternoon was spend hanging around not doing much. Eventually we played some Worms 3D and then went to see Kung Fu Hustle at the cheap theater. I liked Shaolin Soccer better. This had it's funny parts but the violence was a bit too graphic in parts.

After that we watched the fireworks over at Liberty. Then we went home. I talked to RR for a bit then watched disc 4 of Gungrave. Now I'm here looking forward to tomorrow. I don't have any plans. I may work some at home. I don't think I'll go into work though.

I'm getting tired. I wonder if RR is does with Kim yet?

Good night.

Hey RR,
Just so you know, sometimes when I mention the possibility of things not working out it isn't because I'm warning you about something. That's just the way I think. I just want to tell you what's on my mind. ^_^

I am afraid.

I just checked the schedule at Movies 10. Both Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Kung Fu Hustle are now playing at the 2nd run theater here in town. What I am afraid of is that they'll both be gone by the time RR gets here. I was kind of hoping to see either one with her. I've already seen Hitchhiker's and I suppose that one could stick around for a couple of weeks but is esoteric enough to pass through this town very quickly. Kung Fu Hustle is only playing twice a day so there's a very good chance that it'll only be here until next Friday.

I'm sorry RR, I'm a afraid we'll have to watch them at home if ever.