Are you reading this, Rachel? I doubt it. I'd be surprised if you were. I'd be a little frightened... Not that you're stalking me but that you might see me a little more raw than I'd prefer you see me right now. But that's just stupid, I know. How will I ever get into an emotionally intimate relationship if I never let anyone know what I'm thinking. If you were reading this, I'd also be encouraged or flattered to think that you even care what I might be thinking or saying.

The problem is that I don't really say much of use to anyone here. I may whine from time to time or just spout drivel simply because I want to say something. The words "I should write more" have been uttered many times by yours truly. The desire to create or express is buried within me. Perhaps it is in too deep to germinate and grow and flower. Occasionally a few thread like stalks push their way to sunlight but I really should remove some top soil and create and express more often. There are bad side effects to keeping everything locked inside. Well, not locked, just shut. I do have secrets but most of what goes unsaid isn't verbalized because of mere insecurities and the feeling that people really aren't that interested in hearing it. I can honestly say that I've been bored and been a bore and neither position is fun. When you're a bore you may not realize it until later and you feel bad because A) they weren't interested and B) you put them in an uncomfortable position. At least with this you can stop reading if you don't like it. Why is it so easy to be down on myself? If I found a woman (about my age and height along with a few other key factors) who valued, respected and appreciated me, I'm afraid I'd have to marry her. It sucks for me now though. It may suck for me then too because I might blind myself to her feelings for no good reason. Yeah, it also isn't good to depend on someone else to raise your value of yourself. But heck, self-doubt isn't uncommon in us creative types. Rod Serling (award winning writer and creator of the Twilight Zone" also struggled with similar issues. I'm not comparing my self to his talent, but I feel I'm in good company.

The problem with focusing on yourself is that it only makes you smaller. You keeping wrapping around and around getting tighter and more compact until you're just this little ball of bitterness. The key, I think, is to look outside yourself. Focus on God and on other people. What does it take to be a good friend? Is there somebody that you can help? Sometimes it doesn't take much, you just have to be willing and aware. It's not all about you. I am a hypocrite though.

Well, that's my rant or rave tonight. I'm trying to reduce the number of sentences that start with "I". That isn't easy if you are telling people about what you did or what you think.