It's nice to be needed. Okay, maybe not.

My room mate produced and directed a 6 part, 3 hour docu-training video based on a book called "the treasure principle". It's about thinking properly about the money and wealth that God has given us. the thing has been in production for probably over a year now and was completed last week. James, the editor/DP went home after mastering the show out (home to NV via NC). Danny (my room mate) is now in Texas with his family until the middle of next month. I'm supposed to be building the DVD for the show. Well, some typos have been found as well as some problems with the credits. Guess who gets to fix them. Yup, you guessed it: Me. It's not so bad, but it is time consuming and somewhat frustrating because the project is so complex and I have to wait for the computer a lot. I wasn't expecting to have to do this, of course. I may have to play hookie from work just to get this mastered again and shipped to the dub house. Of course, this pushes back the DVD production because all of the encoding that I did in the past 5 days has to be redone. To add to the stress I have a large project at my day job that needs to be done by July (8 days). That one is more fun. I might be able to work on that at the same time I'm doing Treasure Principle stuff. I kind of doubt it though.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. This isn't intended as a complaint. I can't say I'm enjoying this element of my life but I'm cool with it. Good night.

The thing that annoys me about being a little infatuated with women is that most times they are completely oblivious to the feelings I may be harboring for them. Even when I try to make it obvious they just see it. I get the feeling that I'm so unattractive to them that they can't fathom the idea that I'd even consider a relationship with them as being a viable option. I probably said something like that before in here. I just wanted to try to expess it more accurately. At any rate, there isn't a passionate reason behind me bringing it up again. While there is someone I consider clueless as to my thoughts about her, I'm not so enraptured by her charms that I have a vested interest in the outcome. I've recently talked about that so I won't go into it again.

well, I'm tired and probably going to bed. I just thought I'd share my observation again.

Good Night.

...It's not like I don't like you. The fact is I do like you. That's why this is so awkward. To put it tritely (is that a word?) I'm torn. Logically speaking, there is an adequate number of reasons why you and I should consider dating. For one thing, I respect you. There are a lot of women that I can't say that about. Plus we have similar personalities and maybe even share compatible career ambitions. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is proximity. The problem is that we just don't have that spark that one would like in this situation. I take note of us when we meet or show up at the same place at the same time. I don't notice anything that says you were anxious to see me. The same is mostly true for me too. My pulse doesn't quicken at the sound of your voice. I wish it did. There are pros and cons to us dating but I don't think the cons are insurmountable. In fact, I can readily imagine us being happy together. The pressure to cause the shift from friends to inseparable pair need not be a great one. For now, though, the chemistry isn't there and there's no indication of it showing up any time soon. I've been thinking about this for a while now. If you've been thinking similarly about me, I've not noticed. The scary thing is that I'd like to date you, but there are just enough cons that when coupled with your apparent lack of interest in me discourage me from raising the subject with you. Actually, what scares me is the thought of us starting to date and then me meeting someone else that I'd rather go out with. I doubt that would happen, but that'd put me in a position to really hurt your feelings and I don't want to do that. I just wish I were a bit more attracted to you and I think the thing that'd push me over the edge would be to learn that you were attracted to me. I may still ask you out... soon. I've been thinking about this too long... But I don't want to force something to happen just because I get lonely sometimes. On the other hand, I think you'd make a great wife and mother. I'm not sure anyone else could be better.

Oh well, more prayer is in order I guess. And more eharmony searching as well.

... in a room full of people sharing their insights. I wondered if this was how heresy develops. At some point is seemed like it'd get into the spiral of everyone reading their translation in a futile attempt to understand. I held my tongue to avoid adding to the eddy. The spin was broken and we drifted on down the river. I've been in that vortex before... and was bored. There are times I wish that cynicism didn't come so easily for me. At times I've blamed the church I grew up in for my state of mind. The feeling that the world was against us in an active, oppressive way was very real in that place. Perhaps the blame for my mental habit sits more comfortably on my friend Matt. You are who you hang out with... at least to some extent. I was never so charming and I left town before things got messy. Maybe I was the control rod keeping things straight. I doubt I had that much influence. The seeds were planted. What would I be if I had stayed? Am I really that much better off? I'm fairly content with my life as it is. I do wish I had a woman to hold, I feel the pull of instinct and intent, but "it's not like shopping for a car" and I don't want just anyone. "It's better to live on the corner of a roof that share a house with a quarrelsome woman."

It's not all about me... It's just that I'm closer to myself than anyone else.