if I even suspected that you were interested in me, I'd probably ask you out. The fact is that we see each other often and there is no noticable twinkle in your eye when our paths cross. I enjoy your company and I see so many ways in which we could be together and not drive each other crazy. OR we're so much alike we can't help but drive each other there. I might ask you out anyway or at least ask you if you've thought about us going out. We've known each other for a few years now and the more I get to know you, the more I like. The interest I do have in you is not expressed often or plainly. Maybe you have similar feelings for me that also are hidden. Oh well, I'm tired and can't seem to string the right thoughts together at the moment.

The sky is dim with cloud and rain. The drops fall lightly and without fury. My thoughts drift to you and us. What if? What then? Why not? Why bother? I feel foolish for thinking about it again. There's a good chance that you are bigger in my mind that I am in yours. It's like you are a celebrity and I a fan. If you feed a stray it'll just keep coming back.

v.st.: I've been quoted. What an honor ;)

Virginia W.: It's strange the memories you hold on to. Ten years ago we shared some deck space on boat in NYC. We just kind of hung out for a little while. I was in the choir and had to do a performance. You offered to watch my backpack. You said you liked wearing/carrying backpacks. We'd known each other or at least been mildly acquainted before then. That evening was a very good evening for me simply because of your company. I was interested in you at the time, but you were already going out with Brandon then. Eventually, you and he broke up and you went on to Bob Jones and I (& Brandon) went on to Liberty. You're one of those women that I wonder "what if" about. It's funny how you're still on my mind after all these years. There's a good chance that we'd be completely incompatible as a couple. Was that evening on the water and under the stars something special for you too? You referenced it when you signed my "yearbook" that year. I don't remember how much after the fact that signing was. If it was a day later then the reference wasn't very profound. If you were still thinking about it months later then maybe there was something there. Oh well, It's all history now. Chances are good that you've found a husband since then. Chances are good that I'll never hear of you again. Oh well. Thank you for a simple yet good memory, bittersweet only because of its brevity.

I think I'll go to bed earlier tonight. There's seems to be a direct correlation between my mood and how tired I am. Without enough sleep I have a greater tendency to feel depressed or just down. Exercise would be beneficial too.

Anyway, Tim (room mate, co-worker, friend) bought a new 2004 Suzuki SV650 today. He got a great deal because some kid bought it, took it home and his parents made him return it the next day. Good for them. Good for Tim. Now mine looks really used when next to his :)

I ordered my riding gear today. All in all it cost me $260. I decided to buy the pants too which cost over $100. I just don't like the idea of my knees in blue jeans being banged against the pavement on a cold day. I'm not saying that will happen, but I like the idea of having some kind of armor or padding if it does.

This could be a good year for me.

There are more students than ever on campus, I've eased up on age requirements and I have the head of the nursing department looking to hook me up.

sweet.

Today i survived another ride.

Too bad for you I don't feel like giving details.

Today in a nutshell:
rose
church
home for lunch
rode my new motorcycle for a few hours (alone then with Rachel)
home briefly
cook out at Rich's in honor of Dee B. and Steve W.'s birthdays. yay friends
home - here.
soon bed.

You may be flattered that I thought about you. I'm flattered that you didn't find it creepy.

I got my motorcycle. It's even insured and registered. The helmet was purchased earlier today for a fairly standard $150. I just need to get it inspected and It'll be 100% street legal. Actually, it's probably okay to drive now because they tend to give you a fair amount of time to get all that stuff taken care of when you first get something like that. Now I just need to practice some more before taking it into traffic :)

The way to a man's heart is through his ego.

I'm getting a motorcycle unless I change my mind at the last minute. The guy is supposed to bring it up tomorrow. (Friday the 20th of August, 2004) The check from my room mate's company came in just in time :)

Chicks dig bikes right? I mean it can't hurt can it? I guess if I wrecked in front of them it wouldn't help their opinion of me. If I wrecked and badly damaged my body to the point of disfigurement, surely that wouldn't help the old love life. Unless, of course, I met a nurse or physical therapist who'd look past the crumpled remains of a man's body and see his pure [well, slightly tarnished] soul and his courageous recovery and fall in love with me for my inner strength. Of course, I'm probably too much of a quitter for that. And I'm not exactly sure how much inner strength I actually have. Oh well, I didn't even think about chicks digging bikes except for the thought of having a girl ride with me. How else can I get a prolonged hug from a woman like that?

Oh bother.
Last week when I bled, I watched the needle go in. It wasn't exactly traumatic. It felt the same, I just saw the instrument of pain. Maybe it was all the caffeine, maybe it was the accelerated heart rate from being out of shape but I bled well that day.

Is it possible to be too comfortable with someone? I reminded Kara of someone she knew well so much so that she acted around me how she would around him. The problem was that it was preceded by some faux flirting which wasn't entirely faux on my part. She wanted to hang out. I wanted to go on a date. I did what I could to clue her in on the nature of the outing even though I suspected that she wasn't on the same page. K:"should we invite D?" Me:"No, I want to take you out for a nice dinner" - I paid the bill though she volunteered to pay her part. That made me think that she either didn't know it was a date and therefore expected to pay or that she didn't know it was a date and offered to pay as a test to see if it really was. The former was the case. At any rate when we were just hanging out, playing pool and Battleship, we were having a very comfortable, good time. As a date it was going very well. We were getting along great. The problem was that she was still imagining her old friend when she saw the new one so the normal awkwardness simply wasn't there. I interpreted it as a great connection. She saw it as business as usual. Later that night more clues to her perception surfaced so I wasn't taken by surprise when I found out she wasn't thinking dating when I was. She hid from me for a while after that misunderstanding. Her actions in the aftermath make me think that she probably isn't the one for me. When she's around sometimes I think about it working out between us but I don't know. To some extent I don't care. There are more fish in the sea. I still don't know what bait to use so I'm still screwed.

a baloo is a bear

Are my thoughts about finding that "special someone" pessimistic? Maybe they are. I always harbor hope about such matters, but sometimes I think I'm resigned to bachelorhood. Perhaps fatalistic is a more accurate description. At any rate it isn't entirely up to me anyway.

The fact of the matter is that I'm getting quite tired. I should go to bed earlier, get up earlier, exercise more and eat right. That would probably help put me in a better, more positive mood.

I'm thinking about getting a motorcycle. Perhaps it'd be more accurate to say I'm thinking about NOT getting a bike. I don't want to explain all the pros and cons of it here and now. Insert your own reasons here if you'd like. That way you can have a sense of interacting with this blog thus making this the first interactive blog in the world. You have the power.

what an odd dream... musicians for new friends... chubby teen girls dirty with tar who are fans of the band... a bunch of stuff i can't remember... scrubbing the kitchen floor, trying to explain the scrubber side of the sponge to my room mate... odd dream. At least there were no dinosaurs this time.

You see, it isn't age that matters, it's experience and maturity. If I'm going to commit to spending my life with a woman, I'd rather start the process after she's stretched her wings a bit. When people marry young I think a sense of "what if" kicks in and that may cause her heart to stray a bit. I think I've seen it happen. You're at a point in your life where you can change dramatically. Sure, some people say that if you get "her" early enough, you can train her to fit into your life. I'd rather wait until she's been out on her own at least a little. Think of it as buying pre-shrunk clothing. You don't have to worry about the fit changing because it has already occurred. Of course, life isn't clothing. We are all in a constant state of change, but I do think that changes are less dramatic the farther down the road of life you go. There are cataclysmic events that can alter your course, but the tendency is to settle into some sort of routine. Wait a year or two and then we'll see where we are at. Things could still work out. Of course, there's no guarantee of that and I for one don't intend to spend a lot of time considering it. There are too many variables and too many mere speculations to plan anything concrete. There are too many things I don't know about you and too much idle talk to take it seriously. So after 2 years of relative freedom and after you dump him for cheating on you and all of the other crap that happens in life then we can talk about it. Until then there just isn't any point. It's all just make believe anyway. I have no clue if any of it means anything or not. I'm thinking about it too much, but that's what I do. Think about things too much.

go easy on me. That's all I ask.

Moscow Decker Proxy Alpha
if you think you know what it means, you are wrong.

I'm afraid I've become too cynical and bitter for successful dating. What I hope for in a girlfriend/wife/soulmate is someone who can wake me up to greater happiness. Perhaps that's investing too much hope in the wrong place, an act that can only dissapoint. It's a rather immasculating feeling to have. I'm supposed to be the knight in shining armor saving the damsel. I'm not the one who should need rescuing. There's nothing new under the sun though. If there were no princess no one would've heard of prince Charming. Crap. I don't want to be a prince charming. Horrible name. yuck. Well, I hope you're entertained by this little outburst of frustration at singlehood. As usual this isn't the whole picture, just a glimpse at the frayed edge.

One of the saddest things in my life was the time I got an answering machine. It was then that I found how few calls I really was missing.

okay, yesterday I didn't bleed. I had an inadequate concept of time and schedules. It's next Monday.

the blood must flow. Hopefully it'll wait until monday and not occur on the weekend while taking motorcycle class.

Today I bleed.