Are you reading this, Rachel? I doubt it. I'd be surprised if you were. I'd be a little frightened... Not that you're stalking me but that you might see me a little more raw than I'd prefer you see me right now. But that's just stupid, I know. How will I ever get into an emotionally intimate relationship if I never let anyone know what I'm thinking. If you were reading this, I'd also be encouraged or flattered to think that you even care what I might be thinking or saying.

The problem is that I don't really say much of use to anyone here. I may whine from time to time or just spout drivel simply because I want to say something. The words "I should write more" have been uttered many times by yours truly. The desire to create or express is buried within me. Perhaps it is in too deep to germinate and grow and flower. Occasionally a few thread like stalks push their way to sunlight but I really should remove some top soil and create and express more often. There are bad side effects to keeping everything locked inside. Well, not locked, just shut. I do have secrets but most of what goes unsaid isn't verbalized because of mere insecurities and the feeling that people really aren't that interested in hearing it. I can honestly say that I've been bored and been a bore and neither position is fun. When you're a bore you may not realize it until later and you feel bad because A) they weren't interested and B) you put them in an uncomfortable position. At least with this you can stop reading if you don't like it. Why is it so easy to be down on myself? If I found a woman (about my age and height along with a few other key factors) who valued, respected and appreciated me, I'm afraid I'd have to marry her. It sucks for me now though. It may suck for me then too because I might blind myself to her feelings for no good reason. Yeah, it also isn't good to depend on someone else to raise your value of yourself. But heck, self-doubt isn't uncommon in us creative types. Rod Serling (award winning writer and creator of the Twilight Zone" also struggled with similar issues. I'm not comparing my self to his talent, but I feel I'm in good company.

The problem with focusing on yourself is that it only makes you smaller. You keeping wrapping around and around getting tighter and more compact until you're just this little ball of bitterness. The key, I think, is to look outside yourself. Focus on God and on other people. What does it take to be a good friend? Is there somebody that you can help? Sometimes it doesn't take much, you just have to be willing and aware. It's not all about you. I am a hypocrite though.

Well, that's my rant or rave tonight. I'm trying to reduce the number of sentences that start with "I". That isn't easy if you are telling people about what you did or what you think.

Okay, I haven't posted anything in a while. There are times when I feel like writing something somewhere but i don't really have anything to say. I should update my webpage... well, not so much update as overhaul. I'm thinking about puting together a simple webpage that I can point people to without revealing any personal information. Some things just don't get done though. Web design isn't a joy of mine. At this point I'm just writing. I'm not very interested in what I'm saying right now. I don't see why you should be either.

Good night. Next time I may have something to say.

Dana

In a few days I'll be flying to Vegas to go to the NAB (http://nab.org) a huge video/audio/film/broadcast/etc convention with lots and lots of cool things to see. The bummer is that we have to fly out of an airport that's 2.5 hours away at 6:45 in the morning. Oh joy, Oh rapture. The up side is that after Vegas Tim and I are going to Seattle to pick up his Dad's pick-up truck and we're driving it back. Well actually we're taking a two week road trip down the West coast and then seeing the Grand Canyon and then some canyons in Utah. woo hoo. or as the gamers these days type: "woot". I'm not really sure what that means but I suspect it means "woo hoo". Now if only I can find my camera.

This is something I wrote to someone else. It sounded like the type of thing that should go into my blog so here it is:

... My weekend was a bit on the hectic side. Mostly that is due to my room mate and his friends. Basically, it was an unofficial party Friday night and Saturday night. Mostly that involved video game tournaments and movies being watched. I really wasn't involved in any of that but when stuff is busy around you it feels hectic. Friday night I was in the mood to do some work so I spend around 9.5 hours working on a large freelance project I've been working on for months. That was after I got home from my day job. I am by no means a workaholic but sometimes you just get in a groove and go with it. Saturday I got and went to the office and picked up some video equipment. Some friends and I are making a short film and have been taping on Saturdays. We shot from around 12pm to 11:30pm with a break for dinner. Thankfully, that's the last of the things we needed to shoot with the actors (except for audio). I went to bed, got up and went to church, then lunch, then a friends house to pick up a book and then I spent most of the day reading that book. C.S. Lewis' That Hideous Strength. Oh, I also hung out with a nephew for part of the afternoon. This next weekend I'll be in PA for Easter.

An insult
not sent in my direction
stings me still

A statement of preference
and blatent negativety
You shrank in my eyes

No doubt you'd apologize
if you knew I felt this way
I'm sorry you'd have to

Your opinion is your own
you should have kept it to yourself
to share it was rude

Forgiveness must be exercised now
that is my part
that is my part

another day of not much done
another day of wasted time
with much to do diversions cost
and some times ruin minds

overall life is good
I probably shouldn't complain
It wasn't a total loss
but a failure just the same


hey, it may suck, but it does rhyme.

Again it's late. I'm not particularly tired at the moment but I'll probably be asleep within 45 minutes. My friends and I finished the second day of shooting on our short film project. We're already behind and working on the weekends is definitely be draining. Ena is already overloaded with work because someone quit from her second job so she's filling the gaps. The lack of R&R is getting to her. I'll be going to Vegas in April to attend the National Association of Broadcasters convention. It's a huge to do for us video types. Lots of cool things to see and do. After that Tim and I may be flying directly to Seattle. His dad is going to Africa and won't need his old Pickup truck anymore. Carless Tim sees this as the perfect opportunity to take that photo-taking cross-country road trip he's been wanting to do. He asked me to come along for company. It's something I've wanted to do for a while too so I'm seriously considering it. Well, good night (morning) everyone. Enjoy life.

Don't you just love when it's 1 am but you're more awake than you were at 5 pm? I don't, but it isn't uncommon for me. I am definitely a night person, not a morning person. Even when I'm awake in the morning it can take a long time to actually get up.

Anyway, I was going to share my thoughts on "the perfect woman" for me. The things that come to mind are quite varied. Some of them are so unlikely that they aren't even a real consideration. They're the kind of things that you'd be insane to require in a future mate but if it worked out, it'd be insanely great. Well, maybe just a little nicer.

For instance, it would be great if she were a short girl from a tall family. That way I wouldn't have to look up to her and feel short next to her, but there'd be a greater chance that my kids would be taller than me. I'm around 5'6" and I'm about the tallest guy in my family, give or take an inch. If I marry into another short family and have short kids and they marry into short families pretty soon the Burman clan won't be able to ride the roller coasters at amusement parks. Maybe genetics don't work that way. All I know is that I prefer to hook up with a woman who is a bit smaller than me. Even that isn't a hard and fast rule, just a strong preference.

The concepts of ideals and preferences weighs on me heavy at some times. I mean there are a lot of single women out there but only a few types that I'm attracted to. It's not just looks. It's beliefs, maturity, personality and style. It's a lot of things. A lot of it is tied to the way I think about myself. For instance I'm more attracted to pretty or cute girls than I am to drop dead gorgeous women. Part of that is that is that I feel like if they look that good they have to be superficial, shallow, pampered and any number of other stereotypical things. I just can't picture myself with a really hot woman.

I'm not too interested in rich girls because I think they're too used to things I can't afford. I have a bit of an aversion to excess wealth as well (even though I'd like to have some of my own). I feel strangely uncomfortable when I'm in a really nice house.

It would be good to find a woman who is down to earth and not vain. She should be a little shorter than me and well proportioned. As far as facial beauty goes, I'd like to be able to tell her that I think she's pretty without lying to her :) Personality counts for a lot as well. Actually, her character is far more important that how she looks this year. Unfortunately attractiveness (chemistry?) can be elusive and not based on character traits. In those cases I guess I'll just bide my time in a friendship relationship until we get to the point were we can't imagine life without each other.

Well, I've babbled on enough tonight/this morning. I hope I didn't say anything too stupid.

May God bless you.
Dana

7 days.

I have 7 days to change my mind about the music. After that I'm locked in and can't get a refund. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry. I won't remember what I meant a year from now.

7 days from now, the first two days of shooting on the short film will have wrapped. There is much to do to prepare. There are permissions and props to obtain. There is coffee and equipment to prepare.

Within 7 days I hope to have my camcorder back from the Sony repair shop in PA.
Within 7 days I hope to be finished with the large freelance project that's been a part of my life the last few months.
Within 7 days I may do my taxes, but don't hold your breath.

Also within the next 7 days, I'll have bills to pay and prayers say and who knows, maybe a major life change. I'm not expecting a major life change, but it is always possible.

I see a busy week ahead and already I feel like I've forgotten something.

What a day. Nothing dramatic happened to me but I feel like it was a full one.

I went to work around 8am. That's normal for a lot of people but it's a earlier than usual for me. While at work I made a mistake that halted production for a few minutes. It wasn't a big deal. I don't work on an assembly line or a movie set with tens of thousands of dollars of people and equipment to worry about. I work in a small studio with a few other people and today we were only taping Ed Hindson sitting at a table lecturing on the Old Testament. I left work around 4:30. It isn't unusual for me to be out of there before then. That's a statement not a fact.

I got home and installed quicken on one of my machines so I can better manage my finances and prepare for taxes. I imported last year's records and got them synced up with my current balance. I had to search around a bit to find some paper statements from my bank. After getting it all squared away I went through and categorized everything that was business or charity related. I think I'm ready to start the tax process. Hopefully, I'll stick with putting things in quicken this time so it'll be easier next year.

When I arrived home my room mate told me I had some very good mail waiting for me. He was right. A rather large check from a client of mine came in. I'm not going to list the amount of the check here but it is second only to the check I got for winning the funniest video of the year on "World's Funniest". It's not nearly as large as that one but it's ... well, I could pay off my car with it. The sad thing is I might not get to spend any of it on what I want to. It depends on how much I owe in unpaid taxes last year and how much I'll need to prepay this year. Also, I give 10% of my gross income to God. I'm not going to say I wish I could spend that amount on myself or my business but the thought does creep up a bit. On the other hand I feel like He's blessing my business so giving is a way of showing gratitude and respect. All the money and material goods in the universe belong to Him anyway. Anything I spend it on will most likely be junk in ten years or less. It's not that much money in the grand scheme of things anyway. At any rate I have a large check that's already spent.

The Passion of the Christ came out today. I don't know how it is doing or what effect it is having on people. We don't have a lot of theaters in this area so getting a ticket will require more effort than I care to exert. I kind of feel bad for not wanting to see more ... well, passionately. There's something about hype that turns me off and this film has a lot of hype. That's not to say that I am impervious to hype. I've been known to be at the theater on opening night or at least opening weekend. It'd be hypocritical of me to use that as my only excuse. There's a certain something that scares me about the film. I am a Christian and I've complained about the cleaned up representations of Jesus on the cross. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll watch it and it'll change my life. Fear of change is a common fear. Fear of surrender and bowing your will is as well. I don't know how the film will effect me. Saving Private Ryan left me numb and a bit shell shocked because of the realistic violence. I came away from the experience grateful to the vets but not wanting to see it again anytime soon. Grave of the Fireflies, a Japanese animated film about a couple of kids in WWII, deeply effects some viewers, but it didn't have a profound impact on my life and outlook. The Passion will hopefully be more like the SPR in its effect on me.

Some Christians are very excited about the Passion. They feel like they're about to witness a new "Great Awakening" or revival. Cynicism isn't one of my better traits, it eats away at hope. We now have a dramatic, mostly accurate, reenactment of the death of Jesus. Does that mean people will see this and believe in Him? Could this one film do for its viewers what the actual event failed to do for some of its witnesses? Of course, thousands were added to the early church at that time so it's unfair of me to assert that most who witness Jesus' death and resurrection (or just His miraculous earthly ministry) weren't effected by it. I'm just afraid that we might be putting too much hope in a film. Sure it can (and will) be used by God to draw people to Him. Will it effect a lasting cultural change? Will this event (or echo of an event) change the world? I guess we'll find out in the next few days/months/years. This film is not a substitute for living a consistent, compassionate, godly life on earth. People who see this film may be drawn to Christ only to stumble on His followers' hypocrisy. I hope I'm not a stumbling block to anyone. I know I'm not anywhere near righteous or holy. There are times when I second guess my own faith. Only by the grace of God through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus do I claim any kind of purity.

Well, all of that is to say, don't expect a work of art to be more persuasive than the event it portrays. Of course, that initial event changed the course of the world completely. Maybe my cynicism is waning. Prayers will flow from my mouth that God may bless those who see the film.

Today my major freelance project didn't get worked on at all. I'm such a slacker.