It was a strange dream indeed. Perhaps it'd be better described as a compilation of dreams... so odd... so varied. One thing I know for sure, I can dream in color... of aliens (greys), in aqua blue liquid tanks, that overflows in spectacular way. A way so spectacular that I dreamt I woke up and later was telling someone about it.

There were several others but that's the part that I remember most clearly.

It's nice to be needed. Okay, maybe not.

My room mate produced and directed a 6 part, 3 hour docu-training video based on a book called "the treasure principle". It's about thinking properly about the money and wealth that God has given us. the thing has been in production for probably over a year now and was completed last week. James, the editor/DP went home after mastering the show out (home to NV via NC). Danny (my room mate) is now in Texas with his family until the middle of next month. I'm supposed to be building the DVD for the show. Well, some typos have been found as well as some problems with the credits. Guess who gets to fix them. Yup, you guessed it: Me. It's not so bad, but it is time consuming and somewhat frustrating because the project is so complex and I have to wait for the computer a lot. I wasn't expecting to have to do this, of course. I may have to play hookie from work just to get this mastered again and shipped to the dub house. Of course, this pushes back the DVD production because all of the encoding that I did in the past 5 days has to be redone. To add to the stress I have a large project at my day job that needs to be done by July (8 days). That one is more fun. I might be able to work on that at the same time I'm doing Treasure Principle stuff. I kind of doubt it though.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. This isn't intended as a complaint. I can't say I'm enjoying this element of my life but I'm cool with it. Good night.

The thing that annoys me about being a little infatuated with women is that most times they are completely oblivious to the feelings I may be harboring for them. Even when I try to make it obvious they just see it. I get the feeling that I'm so unattractive to them that they can't fathom the idea that I'd even consider a relationship with them as being a viable option. I probably said something like that before in here. I just wanted to try to expess it more accurately. At any rate, there isn't a passionate reason behind me bringing it up again. While there is someone I consider clueless as to my thoughts about her, I'm not so enraptured by her charms that I have a vested interest in the outcome. I've recently talked about that so I won't go into it again.

well, I'm tired and probably going to bed. I just thought I'd share my observation again.

Good Night.

...It's not like I don't like you. The fact is I do like you. That's why this is so awkward. To put it tritely (is that a word?) I'm torn. Logically speaking, there is an adequate number of reasons why you and I should consider dating. For one thing, I respect you. There are a lot of women that I can't say that about. Plus we have similar personalities and maybe even share compatible career ambitions. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is proximity. The problem is that we just don't have that spark that one would like in this situation. I take note of us when we meet or show up at the same place at the same time. I don't notice anything that says you were anxious to see me. The same is mostly true for me too. My pulse doesn't quicken at the sound of your voice. I wish it did. There are pros and cons to us dating but I don't think the cons are insurmountable. In fact, I can readily imagine us being happy together. The pressure to cause the shift from friends to inseparable pair need not be a great one. For now, though, the chemistry isn't there and there's no indication of it showing up any time soon. I've been thinking about this for a while now. If you've been thinking similarly about me, I've not noticed. The scary thing is that I'd like to date you, but there are just enough cons that when coupled with your apparent lack of interest in me discourage me from raising the subject with you. Actually, what scares me is the thought of us starting to date and then me meeting someone else that I'd rather go out with. I doubt that would happen, but that'd put me in a position to really hurt your feelings and I don't want to do that. I just wish I were a bit more attracted to you and I think the thing that'd push me over the edge would be to learn that you were attracted to me. I may still ask you out... soon. I've been thinking about this too long... But I don't want to force something to happen just because I get lonely sometimes. On the other hand, I think you'd make a great wife and mother. I'm not sure anyone else could be better.

Oh well, more prayer is in order I guess. And more eharmony searching as well.

... in a room full of people sharing their insights. I wondered if this was how heresy develops. At some point is seemed like it'd get into the spiral of everyone reading their translation in a futile attempt to understand. I held my tongue to avoid adding to the eddy. The spin was broken and we drifted on down the river. I've been in that vortex before... and was bored. There are times I wish that cynicism didn't come so easily for me. At times I've blamed the church I grew up in for my state of mind. The feeling that the world was against us in an active, oppressive way was very real in that place. Perhaps the blame for my mental habit sits more comfortably on my friend Matt. You are who you hang out with... at least to some extent. I was never so charming and I left town before things got messy. Maybe I was the control rod keeping things straight. I doubt I had that much influence. The seeds were planted. What would I be if I had stayed? Am I really that much better off? I'm fairly content with my life as it is. I do wish I had a woman to hold, I feel the pull of instinct and intent, but "it's not like shopping for a car" and I don't want just anyone. "It's better to live on the corner of a roof that share a house with a quarrelsome woman."

It's not all about me... It's just that I'm closer to myself than anyone else.

Are you reading this, Rachel? I doubt it. I'd be surprised if you were. I'd be a little frightened... Not that you're stalking me but that you might see me a little more raw than I'd prefer you see me right now. But that's just stupid, I know. How will I ever get into an emotionally intimate relationship if I never let anyone know what I'm thinking. If you were reading this, I'd also be encouraged or flattered to think that you even care what I might be thinking or saying.

The problem is that I don't really say much of use to anyone here. I may whine from time to time or just spout drivel simply because I want to say something. The words "I should write more" have been uttered many times by yours truly. The desire to create or express is buried within me. Perhaps it is in too deep to germinate and grow and flower. Occasionally a few thread like stalks push their way to sunlight but I really should remove some top soil and create and express more often. There are bad side effects to keeping everything locked inside. Well, not locked, just shut. I do have secrets but most of what goes unsaid isn't verbalized because of mere insecurities and the feeling that people really aren't that interested in hearing it. I can honestly say that I've been bored and been a bore and neither position is fun. When you're a bore you may not realize it until later and you feel bad because A) they weren't interested and B) you put them in an uncomfortable position. At least with this you can stop reading if you don't like it. Why is it so easy to be down on myself? If I found a woman (about my age and height along with a few other key factors) who valued, respected and appreciated me, I'm afraid I'd have to marry her. It sucks for me now though. It may suck for me then too because I might blind myself to her feelings for no good reason. Yeah, it also isn't good to depend on someone else to raise your value of yourself. But heck, self-doubt isn't uncommon in us creative types. Rod Serling (award winning writer and creator of the Twilight Zone" also struggled with similar issues. I'm not comparing my self to his talent, but I feel I'm in good company.

The problem with focusing on yourself is that it only makes you smaller. You keeping wrapping around and around getting tighter and more compact until you're just this little ball of bitterness. The key, I think, is to look outside yourself. Focus on God and on other people. What does it take to be a good friend? Is there somebody that you can help? Sometimes it doesn't take much, you just have to be willing and aware. It's not all about you. I am a hypocrite though.

Well, that's my rant or rave tonight. I'm trying to reduce the number of sentences that start with "I". That isn't easy if you are telling people about what you did or what you think.

Okay, I haven't posted anything in a while. There are times when I feel like writing something somewhere but i don't really have anything to say. I should update my webpage... well, not so much update as overhaul. I'm thinking about puting together a simple webpage that I can point people to without revealing any personal information. Some things just don't get done though. Web design isn't a joy of mine. At this point I'm just writing. I'm not very interested in what I'm saying right now. I don't see why you should be either.

Good night. Next time I may have something to say.

Dana

In a few days I'll be flying to Vegas to go to the NAB (http://nab.org) a huge video/audio/film/broadcast/etc convention with lots and lots of cool things to see. The bummer is that we have to fly out of an airport that's 2.5 hours away at 6:45 in the morning. Oh joy, Oh rapture. The up side is that after Vegas Tim and I are going to Seattle to pick up his Dad's pick-up truck and we're driving it back. Well actually we're taking a two week road trip down the West coast and then seeing the Grand Canyon and then some canyons in Utah. woo hoo. or as the gamers these days type: "woot". I'm not really sure what that means but I suspect it means "woo hoo". Now if only I can find my camera.

This is something I wrote to someone else. It sounded like the type of thing that should go into my blog so here it is:

... My weekend was a bit on the hectic side. Mostly that is due to my room mate and his friends. Basically, it was an unofficial party Friday night and Saturday night. Mostly that involved video game tournaments and movies being watched. I really wasn't involved in any of that but when stuff is busy around you it feels hectic. Friday night I was in the mood to do some work so I spend around 9.5 hours working on a large freelance project I've been working on for months. That was after I got home from my day job. I am by no means a workaholic but sometimes you just get in a groove and go with it. Saturday I got and went to the office and picked up some video equipment. Some friends and I are making a short film and have been taping on Saturdays. We shot from around 12pm to 11:30pm with a break for dinner. Thankfully, that's the last of the things we needed to shoot with the actors (except for audio). I went to bed, got up and went to church, then lunch, then a friends house to pick up a book and then I spent most of the day reading that book. C.S. Lewis' That Hideous Strength. Oh, I also hung out with a nephew for part of the afternoon. This next weekend I'll be in PA for Easter.

An insult
not sent in my direction
stings me still

A statement of preference
and blatent negativety
You shrank in my eyes

No doubt you'd apologize
if you knew I felt this way
I'm sorry you'd have to

Your opinion is your own
you should have kept it to yourself
to share it was rude

Forgiveness must be exercised now
that is my part
that is my part