aaaarrgh

Is it the sugar and caffeine? I'm restless and frustrated. Part of that is due to mild stress related to moving my website and stuff. I'm not as impressed with my new host as I hoped. Lunarpages had a much better control panel with a lot more options. This, however, was cheaper (but only by a little if they renege on their 14 months free with a 2-year subscription deal.)

Today is one of those days that... well, it's a Monday. Sure, technically it's Tuesday, but it's the first day back to work after the weekend.

I want to go home... and soon will.

Presents have been exchanged on the left coast today. I know of a couple of 'em. I hope everything went as well as planned.

I think I was asleep when my phone rang. Aren't 1AM wrong numbers fun? Hopefully I can fall asleep again soon. The phone is now off.

This morning I had an idea... an epiphany of sorts.

One of the biggest problems with global warming (regardless of what causes it) is that ocean levels will rise and low lying areas and islands may get swamped and become unlivable.

Another issue in the last 60 years or so is the (now) unnecessary stockpiling of nuclear weapons.

The largest nuke ever set off by the US was a 5 megaton explosive. This test was done underground in a remote part of Alaska and was the main reason Greenpeace was founded (I'm sure, they wouldn't approve my plan either). One of the effects of that test was that the land mass above the explosion was permanently raised 20 feet or so. Hmm... maybe I'm not remembering that figure right. It seems awfully high. Maybe I should look it up again. At any rate the land was permanently raised. Soo... we could solve both problems by "boosting" those low lying areas using the excess (or all) of the nuclear weapons in various country's arsenals.

If those low lying countries don't like the idea we can use the nukes to blow some very large holes somewhere to drain excess water into.

Well, if it weren't nuclear fallout and other eco damage it'd work I tells ya, It'd work.

Yesterday turned out fine afterall. I didn't accomplish anything of note, work wise. In fact, I don't think I did any work at all. Yay for the weekend. The sky was gloomy when I left Lynchburg but the clouds had dispersed enough to let the sunshine in. I wandered around the crutchfields store for a bit before making arrangements to meet Beth at Ben and Jerry's. After a little ice cream and conversation we went across the parking lot's street to the Hallmark store for to buy here mum a belated birthday card. (That's where I was when I got a call from a certain West-coast friend.) After which we said a short good bye and parted company. I drove around town a bit then talked on the phone a bit then walked through the Food Of All Nations store for a bit. I was disappointed by the selection and found no authentic asian bowl of noodles type of thing to buy. They have some good looking already prepared meals there, but that isn't what I was shopping for. I then went over to Matt's house, watched the last of the UVA vs Hopkin's lacrosse game (UVA lost) and then Matt and I ate at Chili's. I had the Cajun Chicken Pasta and it was good. After that we just drove around some more (this time I was just along for the ride) through a new shopping center still under construction and out into the countryside. By that point the sun was shining brightly, the air floating clearly and the sky was... um.. being bluely. It was quite nice.

Who said I was talking about you? Well, you're right. That's about what I was thinking. I'm not sure why I was pondering that anyway.

ugh. Today is a gray day. It seems cooler than it should, but I haven't been out in it. I woke up earlier than I wanted. I do remember bits of the dream I was having but dreams can never be fully described. I didn't finally rise to face the day until around 10:30 or so but i had gotten up to use the facilities and went back to bed. I was up late last night and wanted the rest. I can't say I feel very rested though. Tim is out helping someone move furniture. Mike and Ena went to Richmond to go shopping. I was going to stay here and work on map animations for the missions video project but I really don't feel like working now so I may as well have gone. I should call Rachel. I don't know what she's up to today. I may go up to Charlottesville today. I would've already left but my friend Beth is so burried in finishing her dissertation that she didn't want to meet until later in the day so she could have accomplished something before getting together. I haven't seen her since September 2003 and she's moving to Texas at the end of the summer. I have other friends up there that I should visit. Altogether I just feel blah today.

I think I'll drive up there anyway. The drive might do me good.

I hope it's sunny where you are.

I wonder if I think she's stronger than she really is? I mean, I believe her core is solid but her shell may be softer than I realize. She's not one to wear her heart on her sleeve but thtat doesn't mean it doesn't get bruised.

I ordered parts for my bike tonight. I even bought some unecessary things like new grips (to lesson vibrations) and a thing for the throttle that makes it a bit easier to operate over longer rides.

I fiddled with the machine for a bit. It's running kind of rough but it wasn't exactly purring like a kitten before the wreck. I'd like to get the former owner up here to look it over and make adjustments. At the same time I don't want to spend more money on it.

Oh well.

Well, Doc came in to see the show open that I've been working on. He seems to like how it's coming. I may be finished with a workable version by the time I leave tonight. I have to have it to them by noon tomorrow.

The good news is that I won't have to miss church tonight. It's an eating/fellowship night so I feel like I could miss it if I had to. I didn't sign up to bring anything critical to the meal. It's Brian and Amy Hudkins' last week with us, however, and I feel I should be there to send them off. We aren't particularly close but we're on friendly terms. Perhaps we're on more than friendly terms considering that I'm supporting them financially in their ministry. I suppose I should be more involved because of that :D I think they'll be back some time in the future but I'm not entirely sure about that. I just know they're going away and I think they have someone taking care of their lawn, etc. That usually means a return is planned, no?

I don't know if I want to write anything here right now or not. I'll just say that I'm fighting the urge to call someone. You know who you are.

She sang to me last night.

Without realizing what she was doing, she sang. It was merely to illustrate a point, merely to convey a tune she knew and thought I might. Her voice came through the phones, through the air and across the vast communications network that wraps itself around the modern world. A voice that carries more weight than it should. A voice that is bolder in song than in speech. A voice that was freed by the distraction of driving down I-5 on a Sunday afternoon.

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting on the deck under the patio umbrella in my recliner camp chair. It's partly cloudy with large tritely fluffy clouds occasionally blocking the sunshine. It's breezy and warm and nice. I should probably be wearing shorts if only because I can. The birds are singing or squawking (depending on the listener's mood I suppose) and the sound from the traffic 20 yards away only bothers you if you let it. It's nice here. Not exactly peaceful but still a bit of niceness.

I forgot to set the alarm clock last night. This morning I woke up around 10:07am. Church starts at 10am. Normally I think I'd just skip but I didn't get to go last week so I decided to go in anyway. I got there just as Mark started the sermon. I missed most of the introduction but was seated by the time he prayed. He's starting a new series on the book of Galatians.

I didn't realize it until the end of the service, but this was my week to help clean up. It's a good thing that I decided to go. I wouldn't want to make thing more difficult for the others that did that today. I also wanted to go to lunch with friends but they were going for chinese and well, I didn't feel like it. I ended up getting a tasty bavarian pretzel melt sandwich and a bottle of "Tradewinds Honey Tea with Ginseng" at Sheetz. So I ate alone.

I wish I had spent more time with Mom and Dad while they were here. I was busy and they weren't here long. They're probably on the road to PA now.

I'm thinking about doing that political cartoon drawing today. That shouldn't be too much like work, eh?

Maybe I'll just put the laptop down and close my eyes for a while. Maybe I'll just lay back and relax here in the fresh(ish) air and try not to get too curious about the insect/animal sounds coming nearby.

I'm Baaack

I am a futurist and a visionary and am not content to stay in the present. That's why I'm always moving forward through time, turning todays into yesterdays. The future arrives every moment and blah blah blah blah :D

I'm curious now about the kinds of things that "C" told her that allowed her to become more vulnerable than she normally would've. I don't want to repeat that track. I don't want her to relive the past. Yes, I think we've been pretty good about keeping things in the present. I'm sure we're thinking about the future and the places we may or may not hold then but we don't talk about it. For now that's a good thing. I suppose at some point we'll have to but for now it's nice to be friends. Come to think about it I don't talk about the future much with my friends. I don't even think about my friends and I and what we'll be doing a year from now. We just take it as it comes. Perhaps if I held my eye on the future of me a bit more intently I'd consume less sugar and perhaps even exercise. :D

I like RR. I'm perhaps not at peak infatuation at the moment, but my desire to communicate with her has grown.

Someone is thinking too much ;) I had no nays in mind... I was merely playing with the phrase :)

Let your "yea" be "yea" and your "nay" be... We didn't talk about "nay."

She kept starting an entry and then erasing it. Now I'm curious.

She seemed a little frustrated the other day... at least what she said. Yeah, I may be a bit too worried about things, but maybe I overstated it. Some of it isn't me worried about the devestation I can wreak on her psyche. I suppose that's giving myself too much credit. On another level, I simply don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm pretty sure I could do that. Strangers and children can hurt your feelings (or at least mine) so I think I'm capable of that. I don't want to do that. It's much smaller that causing emotional ruin and perhaps more of a possibility.

So anyway, congrats on grad acceptance. You don't have the nightmarish situation of choosing between 6 schools to attend... but only because you didn't finish all the applications... you sly one you. I hope you get accepted at Georgetown (unless you have them hold the app) even if you decide you can't go there.

Application.... why is it that we have words with so many meanings?

...after the second application of paint...
...started the application on the computer...
...filled out the application for a new job...

Yeah, it's all 'to apply' except maybe as a computer program in which you're applying computer resources to a task.... or applying a task to the resources. It's all just a bit fuzzy.

I don't know why I want to talk to you so much. I just do. And then so quickly I run out of things to say.

I just learned about a website called emusic.com. You pay $9.99 a month for 40 mp3 song downloads. The thing that really interested is that they're doing a two week free trial with 50 free downloads. Hmm... 50 free and legal song downloads. I like the sound of that. I should make a list... hopefully they'll have what I want :D

"[RR] Disconnected"
A simple message from the Instant Message program. Why does it make me a little sad?

That's not to say that I had a euphoric weekend. That's not to say I'm more infatuated now than I have been. I had a nice weekend. One that was laid back and restful (except for the lack of sleep). As for the other thing... well, emotions are screwy things. I know when I miss talking to her and that's most of the time I'm not. I don't want her to think that I'm more... I don't want her to get the wrong idea... It's be easier if I knew exactly where I stood. My boss gave me some advice. Basically it boils down to not expecting too much and just enjoying things as they come. Okay, he didn't say it like that at all. Mostly he was talking about people going into relationships thinking it could be "the one" and therefore putting too much pressure on things and making it all more awkward than it needs to be.

---
Random thoughts related to things I've recently read:

Even strangers can hurt you... maybe not as much as someone close to you, but you're never completely free from that danger.

Love is the bluntest of all weapons but it can cut to the bone. - Yeah, it doesn't really make sense but I thought it sounded cool.

If the purpose of being in a relationship is to help each other grow in Christ, maybe I'm doing my job. I don't know. Maybe my job is to break your heart again. I hope not. There's risk in it for me as well, you know. If separation is what helps you grow how will I be eliminated? Never mind. It's probably just the caffeine talking.

I stand by everything I said before we met and I don't want her to disappear from my life. I've grown too accostomed to having her here. The tears that fell were not for me, not for being disappointed. They fell, I think in part, because I saw how easily and how much I could hurt her if I were to pull away now. They fell after I read her blog Saturday morning. They fell maybe because I was sleep deprived and a bit more emotional than usual. I don't know exactly why they fell but I do know I still want to have her around.

The txt I sent about guarding your heart... well, that was me saying that I don't want to hurt her and knowing I might.

There are some things I'm thinking that I just don't want to say. I've spent quite a bit of time on this third paragraph and totally scrapped it. grrr... I'm sorry I'm not letting you in on the thought process. Maybe if I did she'd feel more secure. Maybe it'd have the opposite effect. I guess big question is: "Are we still "interested" in each other?" For my part: yes, I guess I am. I have some things to deal with in relation to that though but I'm not going away just yet.

Still no commitments though :p

However, I do consider her to be my friend. I can commit to that for a while ;)

She clicks in nervously to see what he has to say. His blog has been quiet... too quiet ever since they first met face to face. She on the other hand has been quite prolific and moderately open in hers the last few days.

The page comes up but she stares in disbelief as the only new entry is a description of what she's doing as she reads it... In her pajamas... with a mock surprized look on her face that soon gives way to some kind of chuckle or something. "there he goes again, being clever" she thinks to herself.

She wishes he'd say something substantive... something to give her an indication of what he's thinking after their first real time spent together.

He's just being cryptic. :p

It's 6am and I'm awake. I've been awake for awhile now. I don't know what woke me up ahead of schedule but I've been thinking about my trip tomorrow. 24 hours from now I'll either be ckecking in or waiting to board the plane. I was thinking about how awful it'd be if I missed my flight and wondering what I'd do if I did. There are procedures in place in case that happens. People miss flights all the time but I'm never heard what it cost them. Oh well. Now if the flight is overbooked and I'm given the opportunity to give up my seat, wait for a later flight and get a free trip out of it, I'd seriously consider it. This trip is short enough as it is though. hmmm. I'm more worried about missing a flight and the chance to see her than I am about actually meeting her I think. I guess I'll have 8 hours or so when I'm traveling to get nervous about that. One thing at a time.

Delta Air Lines Flight 4723 and Delta Air Lines Flight 835. Hopefully you won't hear about these flights in the news.

See you soon :)

This morning I was thinking about walking away from her and never talking with her again. I wasn't contemplating doing that, just pondering the question. What would that be like? How easily could I do that? Could I just cut it off? We haven't made commitments beyond meeting. There are no formalities to our relationship beyond common decency perhaps. The question was more about my emotional state and the moment and in that hypothetical situation. It's been a very good three months. My attitude and disposition and outlook are much better now than before. I think I'm healthier mentally than I was before. It'd be a shame to throw that all away. This morning it kind of felt like I could do it though. I don't know if I could though. Sure, there aren't any formal ties but after sharing so much I'm thinking there'd be a big hole in my life if that happened. Sure, I'd probably get over it. It'd worry me if I didn't have to. I don't think I'd want to go back to not having someone to talk to or think about. I suppose I'll grow more attached as time goes on. :D

http://www.ntv.co.jp/channel/kasoh/kin10.html

Well, in two days I'll be winging my way to Washington to meet the known but as of yet unmet. I hope whatever virus that has taken up residence in her body will have departed or died. Even if she hasn't recovered I'm still looking forward to spending some time together. Please don't be contagious. I don't want an interesting 10 hour trip back home. :D

"What am I going to do with my life?" Maybe it'd be better to ask "What am I doing today?" It's easy to put things off when looking at the big picture.

Word of the Day - Information provided by Petersons.com

euphoric

DEFINITION: (adjective) a feeling of extreme happiness and well-being; elation.
EXAMPLE: One often feels euphoric during the earliest days of a new love affair.
SYNONYMS: blissful, ecstatic, rapturous

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I found my lost pen. I'm not euphoric about it but it does make me feel better. I bought some new shirts. I'm not euphoric about that either. I never did like spending money on clothes though it is nice to have new ones. I suppose some day I'll feel euphoric [again], maybe someday soon [again].

I passed the sink on the way out the door this morning, depositing a plate and glass. The sink was full of dirty dishes. It made me think of a certain someone who doesn't like to wash dirty dishes. I hope she's having a great day.

After getting to work this morning I wrote an email to Mom and Dad telling them a bit about my motorcycle incident earlier this week. I avoided words like wreck, crash, badly mutilated and mangled. :D I kind of hadn't thought about telling mom about it but my friends at house church told me I should. The whole thing hasn't seemed very significant to me and besides it'd just make her worry so why bother telling her? Oh well.

We have a refrigerator at work. My boss bought a case of V8 vegetable juice and I drank one this morning. yuck. I don't think I'll be having another one soon. Basically it's like drink cold tomato soup with some other vegetable juice in it. It's very far away from what I like. It wasn't undrinkable. I did finish the whole thing but I drank it quick so I wouldn't have to taste it long.

Last night I was struck by the familiarity we've established. It was an odd sensation and perhaps a little unsettling. :D

Intentionally bad song lyrics 2
Yet again I've taken a fair amount of poetic license in the depictions of my feelings.

Verse 1:
Girl, what have you done to me
your song leads me to sing
because you're lovely
and have so many things

Girl, your hair flows so straight
your eyes give me the shakes
my heart it palpitates
whenever you ice skate

Chorus:
Girl, I don't know what I'd do without you
probably just what I did before I met you
and none of us don't want to go back to dat no more

Verse 2:
Girl, you give me quite a thrill
you never make me ill
so I don't need no pills
you make me feel so chill

Girl, your love has made me sane
you chased away the rain
and healed my broken pain
without you I'm insane

There's a video game called City of Heroes. They have a costume contest where you're supposed to dress up like your character. Wow. It really shows how far off the comicbook/video game physique really is.

I wrecked my motorcycle for the first time.
Here are some pictures.

I have a short attention spa

2early

back 2 dreams of gummi sharks and tapes of a guy preaching across Germany.

---

nope. no more of that dream. I did dream of some of Sixpence None the Richer playing in my living room. There were a couple of people they had with them, managers/promoters or hangers-ons. I handed a couple of business cards to them while they were leaving. There was a girl there who asked me for Vangie's business card, apparently at some point in the past I had accidentally given hers to someone else instead of handing them mine. Weird. Anyway after going to my room and find the card and giving it to the young lady. Should I mention that the I was living in was a dream home in that it only exists in that dream. I then left the place with Matt from work. I remembered seeing another car (presumably mine) that wasn't quite successfully covered with whatever was covering it. Actually, it was covered in layers like blankets on a bed but some of it was exposed... the windshield I think. At any rate I didn't stop to fix it. We went driving off down the road. It had snowed or was snowing. The mountains here were taller and steeper than usual.. still short compared to the Rockies or Sierras or Olympics. The roads got a little treacherous though I don't remember seeing snow and ice on them. It was a winding road and I had trouble staying in my lane so I slowed down. I still had trouble so I slowed down further. There was a car ahead that was going super slow and other cars going around it. At some point I whited out or something and couldn't focus/see. The dream switched to 3rd person. Matt had to take over driving but I don't know if he can drive stick. He had some problems with it but no major jerkiness. We found ourselves at a stop sign. He pulled out and the car went through the intersection and turned left onto the road and stopped leaving us back at the stopsign in the car. That was odd. The car and possibly us were in two different places at once. I tried getting Matt to continue driving but I think it freaked him out to much. About that time I woke up.

I found a folder labeled "Stuff I've Written"

Sept 6, 1996

Like an insect to a light I'm drawn to you.
Like an roughian to a fight I'm drawn to you.
Like an addict to his substance
or a glutton to his supper
girl, I must say I'm drawn to you.