I copied this from a profile on a Christian dating site.


"I WILL YOU IF YOU ARE A KIND OF OPENED MINDED PERSON LOVLY AND CARING EASY TO UNDERSTANDING PERSON"

She has her native language listed as English. I guess pretty AND smart is just too much to ask for.

blew off volley ball to work on my motorcycle. i actually got it started :) and then blew a fuse trying to get it started again :( i took the battery with me when i went to buy fuses and had it tested. it failed :( so i bought a new one :/ we'll see if it all works tomorrow when I go to pick it up.

then, in the solitude of night...

It's good to have visits from friends. It's probably good to play volleyball. It'll hopefully be good to take my motorcycle out to get fixed, though It's getting too cold to ride it for pleasure.

I've sometimes thought about starting a new blog where I could be annonymous and share all the stuff I want to say but don't want people to read and know it comes from me. But would any read it? If no one reads it, what's the point of having it online? I could just write it in a book. But then maybe, someone would read it... with embarrassing results. I suppose I could write it in code, but that'd be too much work, at least if I ever decided to reread it. I could type and save or type and erase. sometimes it helps to just spill your guts on paper metaphorically speaking. some might say it's theraputic.

relish the good times. ... but i don't like relish.

whatever, I just wanted to say something but i had nothing to say. this is all a bit of random drivel as usual.

strike a pose, but keep it natural. i think I'll take a shower and go to bed.

God, help me to get better.

Are we destined to be melancholy. To sit here wishing for more but being too timid to reach out and get it. Maybe the object we seek is at hand but we don't know it's what we want or need. Maybe we are simply blind.

My roommate and I are watching Robotech. It's an 80's cartoon imported from Japan. The music is dated, the animation is really poor by today's standards, the singing is horrible, the plot doesn't always make sense and I'm pretty sure that the translation is very flawed. Still, I'm enjoying it. It is a series with each episode building on the last. There are giant robots, giant people, desperate measures and a love triangle. I'm borrowing it from a friend so I'm not spending money on it. Its all good ;)

How does the cricket live in the basement? What does he eat? We have no known plantlife down here. There may be a few crumbs of food around the couch or desks, but the cricket lives in the bathroom.

The weekend at home was... good I guess. I got to see friends and family. Hopefully, I didn't offend anyone. I just wasn't feeling very energetic and interactive or whatever.

I don't entirely want to go to bed now, but I'm not sure I want to stay up either. I guess going to bed would be the responsible thing to do.

Dating... hmmm. frustration. The biggest hurdle may be getting over myself... that and finding someone i want to ask.

Regarding online dating thingies:
I hope that's not a good picture of you.

Yes, I know it's mean. Yes, I know it's shallow. No, I'm not looking for a beauty queen. Yes, I'm more interested in the internals than the externals although the packaging is important to me. Yeah, it sucks. And maybe I am a jerk ;)

I received this text message tonight:

"I tried u proved u didn't love me so im through take care goodbye have a nice life without me
From: 1434251XXXX
9:41pm 11/15/04"

Either someone had a wrong number or I'm really REALLY oblivious. Or maybe whoever it was didn't try as hard as they thought. Or it's someone trying to scam me. It's from the area code I live in but it's a cellphone from Danville, VA. I have no idea who it is. The only person I can think of who'd send it, most likely doesn't have my phone number. I'm not calling it. I don't even know if its a girl or a dude.

What a great age we live in. :)

My 64 Dollar mistake or how Halo 2 cost me $80.

Hmmm... the money thing... I made a mistake this week that cost me a decent chunk of money unnecessarily. I noticed that my checking account was getting low so I transfered some from my savings to cover it until monday (payday). The mistake was not checking to see if it went through before using the check card. Apparently I didn't click the button that made the transaction final (online banking) and I ended up overdrawing my checking account with two transactions so I was charged two fines. Argh. Usually, I have a decent amount of padding in that account but I had an extra tax bill last month. Oh well, my mistake. It just kind of put me in a bad mood today, but there isn't much I can do about it now.

Okay, how does that relate to Halo 2? Well, the game came out on Tuesday this week. Sam's club had it for $45 or so. My room mates and I decided to split the cost three ways. I was the one who bought it and that is the transaction that put me in the red.

($46.xx/3)+($32 fees * 2) = $80

I hate math.

am I the only one who sees the irony or oxymoronicness of this headline?
Bush Sets Ambitious Conservative Goals -

I sunk into a bad mood today. I think it may have been the weather. Perhaps a combination of that and poor sleep. I'm doing better now though. What's it to you anyway?

Well, let's dip into politics a bit.
I voted for Bush and he won. Yay. Actually I felt like I didn't care too much until I saw how close the race was and thought that Kerry might win. I didn't want to deal with the stress so I went to bed and tried to sleep. I shoved earplugs in my ears because my room mate had the TV on pretty loud and I didn't feel like yelling at him to turn it down. I can't say I slept well that night. It was warm in the room and I guess the stress dealt with me. I drempt that Kerry won 278 to 273 electoral votes. Of course, the numbers don't add up in reality so It didn't take too long for me to realize it was just a dream. Even with the win, I'm somewhat ambivalent. I'm not very passionate about politics. I'm kind of wary about the notion that we can steer the country's moral health from the top rather than the bulk. Still, that doesn't effect how I vote. I thought it was kind of funny on the Daily Show Wednesday night, when John said that "maybe we are the media elite they say we are". He was surprized to learn that maybe he and his friends don't share the same beliefs as the rest of the country.

Another thing that's been crawling around in my head the last couple of days is the thought that government shouldn't be directly reponsible for the success of it's citizens. John Kerry repeatedly talked about 5 million americans not having health insurance and 5 million Americans not having jobs (or perhaps that was 5 million Americans losing insurance or jobs). Is it the government's job to eliminate poverty? Is the government responsible for me being hired at a privately owned business? Can the govt invest be the reason for my financial success or failure. Well, I guess in a lot of instances yes. The govt's fingers are in so many areas these days it'd probably be catastrophic if it pulled out. On the other hand I don't think we can blame the govt if we get knocked around in life and just give up. I was watching a tv show about Stalin. At one point 5 million tons of grain were being exported while 5 million people in the Ukraine were starving. They had opposed his taking over their farms and other property and he punished them by letting them starve. He actively prevented them from leaving the country. That was an evil, evil man. That was government controlling wealth. I don't really have a nice, tidy conclusion for this thought. I'm still sorting through it. Should govt provide health care for everyone? Can govt provide quality health care for everyone? Should govt be involved in health issues on the individual level? I tend to think no, it should not. Just because someone is suffering doesn't make it the government's job to try and fix it. This is life. Bad things happen. Bad situations happen. Hopefully someone will help, but I don't think it's the govts job. Of course, it's easier to say that when one is in good health and privately insured. I guess the closing thought is that I'm uncomfortable with the government of a country being involved (and therefore controlling) in an individual citizen's life... providing food, shelter and health care to the individual. I don't know.

If you are what you eat I'm a delicious hunk of meat.

Fall is soundly here. The rain, the dying leaves, the chill in the air. Is rain a symptom of fall in Virginia? Maybe not. At any rate, my motorcylce is sitting under a wet rain cover. Pretty soon I'll have to winterize the thing and let it sit until spring. Maybe I can run it once or twice a month so I can keep it fresh. I don't like the cold enough for that though I guess.

I'm sitting here in the warm basement with American in Paris playing on TV. I must say, I'm not a fan of the musicals. I kind of wish I could fast forward through the musical parts. Some of the acting doesn't quite work for me either. Why am I watching it then? Well, oh crap, they started singing again. ahem.. well, it's interesting to see the style of old films. I do find some of the situations in the plot (when the music doesn't get in the way) kind of humorous. I figure that watching this crap might clue me in a bit on romance despite the fact that its idealized, unrealistic movie writing.

The more beautiful everything is, the more it hurts without you.

How serious can he be if he does what he knows he shouldn't and doesn't do what he knows he should?

Hey girl, if you would only give me some some sort of sign that you're interested in me, I could very easily fall for you. If we could only lock gaze in that special way I'd drop like dominoes. I'm just not getting that vibe from you so I guess it's still just getting to know you and hoping to meet someone else.

If anyone actually reads this blog (I know of one person) I apologize for the constant drivel and letters to girls that never get sent. I guess it's just my place to vent the most frustrating area of my life. I wish I were writing profound observations about life around me. Instead you get all the crap thoughts I never get around to saying. But... no one's forcing you to read this.

Rock, Rock On!

Now that I have a motorcycle I often find myself thinking about how when I get in a car the first thing I do is fasten my seat belt. I'm usually thinking that when I'm sitting, unattached except by gravity on the seat of my motorcycle, exposed to everything on and around the road. I am filled for a moment with a profound sense of irony.

Of course, I do wear a helmet on the bike, not in the car so maybe there is a balance.

there is no innocence

So I have a motorcyle now. I've had it for a little over a month. I bought the armored jacket and motorcycle gloves and even some motorcycle pants. When wearing all the gear I feel a bit like a dork. Sure on some level I think it feels cool but over all I feel like some bike racer wannabe who's just trying to look cool. The fact is that I'm not trying to look cool. I'm just scared. I wear the gear to keep my skin on my body should I happen to go skidding across the pavement. That and it keeps me warm. My reasons for wearing the stuff isn't to look cool, but for very practical reasons. If you think I look cool in the stuff, that's your problem, not mine.

[sorry, I have no picture to show you what I'm talking about right now]

I'm watching "The Planet's Funniest Animals" on Animal Planet. I'm coming to the conclusion that the animals here aren't very funny. It's pretty sad if the ones they show really are the funniest on the planet. I think I smiled at one tho. It's a start I guess.

VS doesn't visit anymore. I guess she's just too busy. That's okay though. I can go to bed at a decent hour and so my life is closer to normal than in August. Phase complete. sigh. Looking forward to phase 2. Flattery apparently is dead :-D but she never really understood what I meant, I think.

Hey girl,
it's been too long since I've written to you. I'm sorry. I have no good excuse. So what's going on with you? Are you and that guy you've been dating getting serious? Does it scare you to think about that? :) I'm still not dating anyone tho I did have tea at a coffee shop with someone last week. She's an old acquaintance from back in 1995-1996. She lives in Portland Oregon now but comes back here every once in a while. I don't know if anything will develop between us but we had a nice time getting to know each other a little. There were a few weird coincidences with our meeting this last time. We'd seen each other at church a couple of years ago when our mutual friend was going to Grace. She remembered me then, but for some reason I couldn't remember her. It took me a while before the memories surfaced. I felt like a moron or jerk that day... here's this woman who seemed excited to see me... who remembered me after like six years and I couldn't remember her. That was 2 years ago. Last weekend I was running spot light for a woman's conference at LU. She and Janice (our mutual friend who is married with two kids.) decided to go the conference to check things out. I saw them during a break and got to chat for a little bit but I didn't get any contact info. I didn't see them for the rest of the conference which ended around 5:30. I knew I should've asked her out or something then but I didn't. After the event I went home then went to my sister's house and ate and hung out there with my family because my parents were down for the weekend. I went home again and decided to go find this girl (Julie) and ask her out. I felt drawn or led to WalMart. When I didn't find her there I went to Barnes and Noble and found her there. Now, there was some logic in my search so I can't say for sure that it was a supernatural pull that led me to her that night. Also, there aren't that many places open after 9pm in Lynchburg. Still the odds of me actually finding her were pretty slim so I knew I had to act. I invited her out for coffee or something and she said yes and gave me the phone # of the friend she was staying with. It took a few days and a few tries before I got in touch with her but then we set a time and got to hang out. I decided to try a coffee house I've never been to so we went there. She asked if I was still going to Grace and if I knew someone named Kelly something. They were room mates at one time and she wanted to get in touch with her but she wasn't in the phone book. I didn't know that person but I knew that the guy who works in the coffee shop also works at the church and knows a lot of people so I suggested that we ask him. It turns out that Kelly is dating his brother and he was going to see her the next day. That little string of coincidences seemed like the hand of God at work. This was especially true since I had just sat through a day and a half of a Christian conference where several stories were told of how God worked in people's lives. Maybe I was meant to find Julie just so she could be connected with an old room mate. Maybe that's just the start of what God has in mind for her. Maybe that meeting was primarily arranged so Julie and I could hook up. It's too soon to tell about that. I have her email address and I hope to get to know her better soon. It was a good day though. A good day indeed.

I hope things are going well for you too. I've prayed for you and your decisions of school etc. Have a super day.

Dana

Julie,
I'd still like you to email me if I don't get your address before you leave.

When I ran into you in Barnes and Noble tonight, it wasn't just the random coincidence that you suppose. I hesitate to call it destiny or the hand of God but my seemingly off-the-cuff comment about "looking for all over for you" was true. My main purpose for leaving the house tonight was to come find you. First, I was drawn to Wal-Mart because the 2nd to the last time I ran into Janice was in Wal-Mart. I wandered around in there for a little while but you weren't there. I decided to try Barnes and Noble thinking that you and Janice might be chillin' with a cup of coffee or something. If you weren't there my search probably would've ended. I like to think that I was guided by simple reason. The chances of me walking into there the same day and time are slim even if it is one of the few places open after 9:00. I almost went to Best Buy to look at DVDs or something before going to Wal-Mart. At any rate, I found you. You agreed to go get coffee or something with me. You gave me a number to reach you at. I hope I put it into my phone right. I was a bit nervous.

I'm not sure what this seemingly directed encounter means, if anything. I do want to get to know you. That's about all I know right now.

Julie A. visiting the 'burg from Portland: If by chance you see this, email me. I thought I had your address stashed away somewhere but now I can't find it. I'd like to connect with you before you head back. dana[at]dwburman[dot]com

The Liberty student chapter in my life is written but open to me. It's sitting
on the desk and I occasionally glance at it but many things have faded. I don't
hang out with any of the same people. There are a few from our time (excluding
faculty and staff) that I see but few I spend time with. The ones that I do
actively maintain contact with are out of town. There is at least one friend
that disappeared after graduation that I wish I could communicate with.

My childhood is a different story. I don't often think about it. Actually, I
think I've tried to distance myself from it. It wasn't a traumatic time for me,
just the slow uneasiness of not quite fitting in. It was a small Christian
school (less than 300 students from Kindergarten through grade 12) so I knew
most people there. Now I can't remember most of them. It was tied to a Church
that I attended as well so that place made up a large chunk of my world. After
I left the pastor had to step down and the church hit some difficult times.
Some families of people I knew around there split and it seemed like a lot of
things fell apart. Add to that the changes in my life and world view and it
kind of left me without a home. Never since then have I felt like I and
everyone around me believed exactly the same things about most topics. I was
probably naive to feel that way but hey, I was quite sheltered. I've felt like the environment I grew up in prepared me to live in the 1950's and has left me somewhat lost out in the "real world".

Oh well, you didn't ask for my life story so I'll quit here.

Dana


This is an email I sent to someone for no great reason. I wrote it on Sept 11, 2004 but I posting it on the 10th to keep the stuff I wrote on the 11th after this. :-D

bored

The road was dry. The chain was lubed. It was time to go for a motorcycle ride. The pressure in my rear tire was a little low as was the fuel in my gas tank. The golden liquid swished around though it had been 185 miles since I last filled it up. I decided to go to Sheetz because the air pump there is free. Everything was fine for a few miles and then the engine cut out. I started it but it died again. This happened a few times. I was out of gas. I reached down to switch to the reserve tank. Being new to motorcycles I switched it to prime instead. I eventually found the reserve setting but it wasn't until after I stopped. I'm now stuck in traffic without gas. Over to my left I notice that traffic is stopped and that there is an SUV parked on top of another motorcycle. The rider was sitting on the ground with his back to me. People were milling around tending to him and the car. A woman was on a cel phone calling for help. I'm pretty sure she was the driver. At first I was afraid it was my room mate on the ground because his bike is yellow too. I looked extra hard to make sure it wasn't him but was distracted by my own predicament. I decide I had better get off the road so I pull over to the shoulder on the median side, not more than 20 feet from the downed bike. It was strange being out of gas right next to an accident scene. I felt selfconscious for being there. I couldn't help in anyway and my help wasn't needed. I thought about trying to get someone who was there to help me in my predicament but somehow that felt selfish. After all, I wasn't sitting on the ground pinned beneath my motorcycle and a truck. The guy was sitting up and was conscious. We even made eye contact for a brief moment. He was probably wondering what I was doing there. I was trying to not be there, but my fuel situation was making it difficult. I saw the passenger foot peg from his bike laying under the SUV. It was no longer attached. Yup, that bike is toast. I was hoping that I wouldn't get rear ended too by some rubbernecker. Traffic was thick and there was no place to put the bike on the median. I decided to head for the Sam's club parking lot just up ahead and on the other side of two fairly busy lanes of traffic. The traffic light just behind me provided me with periodic openings but I still didn't relish the though of pushing a dead motorcycle accross the street. I tried starting it again... and again... and again. Sometimes the engine would turn over. Sometimes it would only sputter. One thing was obvious, it wouldn't idle. It only ran when moving. Finally there was a break in traffic. I managed to get it started and rolling long enough to cross the street and pull into the parking lot entrance. Once the turn was made it stalled again. I had to push it into a parking space. I took off my gear, locked up my gloves and helmet and decided to walk to the gas station just down the road. I put my jacket back on because it provided better visibility than the orange t-shirt. The first gas station I went to didn't have a small gas can I could borrow. I went to the next one which was only a block away. I asked if they had a small can I could use and he said no. I did not despair for there was a Target not far away. My backup plan was to go buy one there... or call my room mate for help. Then the guy behind the counter said they had a large 5 gallon container that I could use if I left a deposit. That was a relief. I gave the man $10 as a deposit for the can, put some gas in it and walked back to my bike. I thought about how much information can be gleaned from an image. If someone had taken a picture of me at that moment anyone seeing it would exactly what happened to me. I was walking along the side of the road, wearing an unzipped motorcycle jacket and carrying a 5 gallon container with a little over a gallon of gas in it. Well, I got back to the bike and filled it up. It was around that time that I noticed that the container wasn't really a gas can but was a water can. I thought it was odd that it was blue not red when I picked it up. Plainly written on the side was a warning about not using it to store or transport combustible liquids. After pouring the gas into the tank I strapped the water can to the back of my bike with bungee chords I carry with me. I then drove back to the gas station, returned the can and picked up the deposit minus the $2 for the gas I used. I then drove to Sheetz and filled up the rest of the way. Yes, I should've filled up at the gas station that helped me out, but I was ready to be done with that whole situation. There was an ambulance at sheetz (not the one that was at the scene of the accident) and a paramedic helping a lady walk over to it. She seemed shaky and maybe ridgid. I don't know what was wrong with her but they got her safely in the ambulance and drove off. I then put air in the tire and went for the rest of my ride. Things were pretty normal from there on out. I was being followed but some guy who wanted to go faster than me but he passed on the dotted line. I had to stop and close the vents on my jacket because it was gettnig cold. It feels safer to ride on the back road without all the traffic. I suppose that it is just as dangerous if not more so because you can't always see around corners or see hidden driveways etc. On the way back I saw one more ambulance. I don't know if it was related to anything else I saw that night, but I guess it served as a reminder to stay alert while out on the road.

if I even suspected that you were interested in me, I'd probably ask you out. The fact is that we see each other often and there is no noticable twinkle in your eye when our paths cross. I enjoy your company and I see so many ways in which we could be together and not drive each other crazy. OR we're so much alike we can't help but drive each other there. I might ask you out anyway or at least ask you if you've thought about us going out. We've known each other for a few years now and the more I get to know you, the more I like. The interest I do have in you is not expressed often or plainly. Maybe you have similar feelings for me that also are hidden. Oh well, I'm tired and can't seem to string the right thoughts together at the moment.

The sky is dim with cloud and rain. The drops fall lightly and without fury. My thoughts drift to you and us. What if? What then? Why not? Why bother? I feel foolish for thinking about it again. There's a good chance that you are bigger in my mind that I am in yours. It's like you are a celebrity and I a fan. If you feed a stray it'll just keep coming back.

v.st.: I've been quoted. What an honor ;)

Virginia W.: It's strange the memories you hold on to. Ten years ago we shared some deck space on boat in NYC. We just kind of hung out for a little while. I was in the choir and had to do a performance. You offered to watch my backpack. You said you liked wearing/carrying backpacks. We'd known each other or at least been mildly acquainted before then. That evening was a very good evening for me simply because of your company. I was interested in you at the time, but you were already going out with Brandon then. Eventually, you and he broke up and you went on to Bob Jones and I (& Brandon) went on to Liberty. You're one of those women that I wonder "what if" about. It's funny how you're still on my mind after all these years. There's a good chance that we'd be completely incompatible as a couple. Was that evening on the water and under the stars something special for you too? You referenced it when you signed my "yearbook" that year. I don't remember how much after the fact that signing was. If it was a day later then the reference wasn't very profound. If you were still thinking about it months later then maybe there was something there. Oh well, It's all history now. Chances are good that you've found a husband since then. Chances are good that I'll never hear of you again. Oh well. Thank you for a simple yet good memory, bittersweet only because of its brevity.

I think I'll go to bed earlier tonight. There's seems to be a direct correlation between my mood and how tired I am. Without enough sleep I have a greater tendency to feel depressed or just down. Exercise would be beneficial too.

Anyway, Tim (room mate, co-worker, friend) bought a new 2004 Suzuki SV650 today. He got a great deal because some kid bought it, took it home and his parents made him return it the next day. Good for them. Good for Tim. Now mine looks really used when next to his :)

I ordered my riding gear today. All in all it cost me $260. I decided to buy the pants too which cost over $100. I just don't like the idea of my knees in blue jeans being banged against the pavement on a cold day. I'm not saying that will happen, but I like the idea of having some kind of armor or padding if it does.

This could be a good year for me.

There are more students than ever on campus, I've eased up on age requirements and I have the head of the nursing department looking to hook me up.

sweet.

Today i survived another ride.

Too bad for you I don't feel like giving details.

Today in a nutshell:
rose
church
home for lunch
rode my new motorcycle for a few hours (alone then with Rachel)
home briefly
cook out at Rich's in honor of Dee B. and Steve W.'s birthdays. yay friends
home - here.
soon bed.

You may be flattered that I thought about you. I'm flattered that you didn't find it creepy.

I got my motorcycle. It's even insured and registered. The helmet was purchased earlier today for a fairly standard $150. I just need to get it inspected and It'll be 100% street legal. Actually, it's probably okay to drive now because they tend to give you a fair amount of time to get all that stuff taken care of when you first get something like that. Now I just need to practice some more before taking it into traffic :)

The way to a man's heart is through his ego.

I'm getting a motorcycle unless I change my mind at the last minute. The guy is supposed to bring it up tomorrow. (Friday the 20th of August, 2004) The check from my room mate's company came in just in time :)

Chicks dig bikes right? I mean it can't hurt can it? I guess if I wrecked in front of them it wouldn't help their opinion of me. If I wrecked and badly damaged my body to the point of disfigurement, surely that wouldn't help the old love life. Unless, of course, I met a nurse or physical therapist who'd look past the crumpled remains of a man's body and see his pure [well, slightly tarnished] soul and his courageous recovery and fall in love with me for my inner strength. Of course, I'm probably too much of a quitter for that. And I'm not exactly sure how much inner strength I actually have. Oh well, I didn't even think about chicks digging bikes except for the thought of having a girl ride with me. How else can I get a prolonged hug from a woman like that?

Oh bother.
Last week when I bled, I watched the needle go in. It wasn't exactly traumatic. It felt the same, I just saw the instrument of pain. Maybe it was all the caffeine, maybe it was the accelerated heart rate from being out of shape but I bled well that day.

Is it possible to be too comfortable with someone? I reminded Kara of someone she knew well so much so that she acted around me how she would around him. The problem was that it was preceded by some faux flirting which wasn't entirely faux on my part. She wanted to hang out. I wanted to go on a date. I did what I could to clue her in on the nature of the outing even though I suspected that she wasn't on the same page. K:"should we invite D?" Me:"No, I want to take you out for a nice dinner" - I paid the bill though she volunteered to pay her part. That made me think that she either didn't know it was a date and therefore expected to pay or that she didn't know it was a date and offered to pay as a test to see if it really was. The former was the case. At any rate when we were just hanging out, playing pool and Battleship, we were having a very comfortable, good time. As a date it was going very well. We were getting along great. The problem was that she was still imagining her old friend when she saw the new one so the normal awkwardness simply wasn't there. I interpreted it as a great connection. She saw it as business as usual. Later that night more clues to her perception surfaced so I wasn't taken by surprise when I found out she wasn't thinking dating when I was. She hid from me for a while after that misunderstanding. Her actions in the aftermath make me think that she probably isn't the one for me. When she's around sometimes I think about it working out between us but I don't know. To some extent I don't care. There are more fish in the sea. I still don't know what bait to use so I'm still screwed.

a baloo is a bear

Are my thoughts about finding that "special someone" pessimistic? Maybe they are. I always harbor hope about such matters, but sometimes I think I'm resigned to bachelorhood. Perhaps fatalistic is a more accurate description. At any rate it isn't entirely up to me anyway.

The fact of the matter is that I'm getting quite tired. I should go to bed earlier, get up earlier, exercise more and eat right. That would probably help put me in a better, more positive mood.

I'm thinking about getting a motorcycle. Perhaps it'd be more accurate to say I'm thinking about NOT getting a bike. I don't want to explain all the pros and cons of it here and now. Insert your own reasons here if you'd like. That way you can have a sense of interacting with this blog thus making this the first interactive blog in the world. You have the power.

what an odd dream... musicians for new friends... chubby teen girls dirty with tar who are fans of the band... a bunch of stuff i can't remember... scrubbing the kitchen floor, trying to explain the scrubber side of the sponge to my room mate... odd dream. At least there were no dinosaurs this time.

You see, it isn't age that matters, it's experience and maturity. If I'm going to commit to spending my life with a woman, I'd rather start the process after she's stretched her wings a bit. When people marry young I think a sense of "what if" kicks in and that may cause her heart to stray a bit. I think I've seen it happen. You're at a point in your life where you can change dramatically. Sure, some people say that if you get "her" early enough, you can train her to fit into your life. I'd rather wait until she's been out on her own at least a little. Think of it as buying pre-shrunk clothing. You don't have to worry about the fit changing because it has already occurred. Of course, life isn't clothing. We are all in a constant state of change, but I do think that changes are less dramatic the farther down the road of life you go. There are cataclysmic events that can alter your course, but the tendency is to settle into some sort of routine. Wait a year or two and then we'll see where we are at. Things could still work out. Of course, there's no guarantee of that and I for one don't intend to spend a lot of time considering it. There are too many variables and too many mere speculations to plan anything concrete. There are too many things I don't know about you and too much idle talk to take it seriously. So after 2 years of relative freedom and after you dump him for cheating on you and all of the other crap that happens in life then we can talk about it. Until then there just isn't any point. It's all just make believe anyway. I have no clue if any of it means anything or not. I'm thinking about it too much, but that's what I do. Think about things too much.

go easy on me. That's all I ask.

Moscow Decker Proxy Alpha
if you think you know what it means, you are wrong.

I'm afraid I've become too cynical and bitter for successful dating. What I hope for in a girlfriend/wife/soulmate is someone who can wake me up to greater happiness. Perhaps that's investing too much hope in the wrong place, an act that can only dissapoint. It's a rather immasculating feeling to have. I'm supposed to be the knight in shining armor saving the damsel. I'm not the one who should need rescuing. There's nothing new under the sun though. If there were no princess no one would've heard of prince Charming. Crap. I don't want to be a prince charming. Horrible name. yuck. Well, I hope you're entertained by this little outburst of frustration at singlehood. As usual this isn't the whole picture, just a glimpse at the frayed edge.

One of the saddest things in my life was the time I got an answering machine. It was then that I found how few calls I really was missing.

okay, yesterday I didn't bleed. I had an inadequate concept of time and schedules. It's next Monday.

the blood must flow. Hopefully it'll wait until monday and not occur on the weekend while taking motorcycle class.

Today I bleed.

I figured out why I'm still single. I've spent too much effort trying to not develop some of the traits and habits that women complain about in men only to realize that women want you to have those traits so they have something to complain about.

obligatory post.

Today was a mostly good day. The big project I've been working on at work has been approved so it is finished. All that remains is to make a DVD menu, author the disc and burn several copies. That should all be a piece of cake. mmmm cake.

I finally got around to making the corrections on the regular version of the Treasure Princple. tTP is a 6 part, 3 hour docu-training video on Christian giving. I still need to drop in the new sweetened audio and encode the video. I also have to make a "trailers" menu page for the DVD and assemble everything together. If I have everything I need I should be able to have it finished by the end of the week.

I took my car in to the shop today. I did some poor driving a few days ago. I guess I burnt the clutch a bit but they didn't find anything wrong with it. I think it's stopped smoking and smelling. I guess that means I wasted the $40 that it cost to have it looked at.

I bought some boots. I shopped around a bit. I ended up being cheesy and got them at Wal-Mart. I wanted steel toed boots. I get them. I ended up spending 1/2 of what I was prepared to spend. I doubt the quality is as good, but I don't expect to be too hard on them. Hopefully they'll treat my feet right.

Oh and one of my room mate returned from a stay in TX.

I got a letter from a friend. She seems pretty bummed. That was a bit of a downer, in an empathetic way.... or should that be sympathetic. I have trouble with those two.

There was other goodness in the day too.

I'm quite mellow now in my new boots. The poor posture is getting to me so I must shift position. bye.

It was a strange dream indeed. Perhaps it'd be better described as a compilation of dreams... so odd... so varied. One thing I know for sure, I can dream in color... of aliens (greys), in aqua blue liquid tanks, that overflows in spectacular way. A way so spectacular that I dreamt I woke up and later was telling someone about it.

There were several others but that's the part that I remember most clearly.

It's nice to be needed. Okay, maybe not.

My room mate produced and directed a 6 part, 3 hour docu-training video based on a book called "the treasure principle". It's about thinking properly about the money and wealth that God has given us. the thing has been in production for probably over a year now and was completed last week. James, the editor/DP went home after mastering the show out (home to NV via NC). Danny (my room mate) is now in Texas with his family until the middle of next month. I'm supposed to be building the DVD for the show. Well, some typos have been found as well as some problems with the credits. Guess who gets to fix them. Yup, you guessed it: Me. It's not so bad, but it is time consuming and somewhat frustrating because the project is so complex and I have to wait for the computer a lot. I wasn't expecting to have to do this, of course. I may have to play hookie from work just to get this mastered again and shipped to the dub house. Of course, this pushes back the DVD production because all of the encoding that I did in the past 5 days has to be redone. To add to the stress I have a large project at my day job that needs to be done by July (8 days). That one is more fun. I might be able to work on that at the same time I'm doing Treasure Principle stuff. I kind of doubt it though.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. This isn't intended as a complaint. I can't say I'm enjoying this element of my life but I'm cool with it. Good night.

The thing that annoys me about being a little infatuated with women is that most times they are completely oblivious to the feelings I may be harboring for them. Even when I try to make it obvious they just see it. I get the feeling that I'm so unattractive to them that they can't fathom the idea that I'd even consider a relationship with them as being a viable option. I probably said something like that before in here. I just wanted to try to expess it more accurately. At any rate, there isn't a passionate reason behind me bringing it up again. While there is someone I consider clueless as to my thoughts about her, I'm not so enraptured by her charms that I have a vested interest in the outcome. I've recently talked about that so I won't go into it again.

well, I'm tired and probably going to bed. I just thought I'd share my observation again.

Good Night.

...It's not like I don't like you. The fact is I do like you. That's why this is so awkward. To put it tritely (is that a word?) I'm torn. Logically speaking, there is an adequate number of reasons why you and I should consider dating. For one thing, I respect you. There are a lot of women that I can't say that about. Plus we have similar personalities and maybe even share compatible career ambitions. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is proximity. The problem is that we just don't have that spark that one would like in this situation. I take note of us when we meet or show up at the same place at the same time. I don't notice anything that says you were anxious to see me. The same is mostly true for me too. My pulse doesn't quicken at the sound of your voice. I wish it did. There are pros and cons to us dating but I don't think the cons are insurmountable. In fact, I can readily imagine us being happy together. The pressure to cause the shift from friends to inseparable pair need not be a great one. For now, though, the chemistry isn't there and there's no indication of it showing up any time soon. I've been thinking about this for a while now. If you've been thinking similarly about me, I've not noticed. The scary thing is that I'd like to date you, but there are just enough cons that when coupled with your apparent lack of interest in me discourage me from raising the subject with you. Actually, what scares me is the thought of us starting to date and then me meeting someone else that I'd rather go out with. I doubt that would happen, but that'd put me in a position to really hurt your feelings and I don't want to do that. I just wish I were a bit more attracted to you and I think the thing that'd push me over the edge would be to learn that you were attracted to me. I may still ask you out... soon. I've been thinking about this too long... But I don't want to force something to happen just because I get lonely sometimes. On the other hand, I think you'd make a great wife and mother. I'm not sure anyone else could be better.

Oh well, more prayer is in order I guess. And more eharmony searching as well.

... in a room full of people sharing their insights. I wondered if this was how heresy develops. At some point is seemed like it'd get into the spiral of everyone reading their translation in a futile attempt to understand. I held my tongue to avoid adding to the eddy. The spin was broken and we drifted on down the river. I've been in that vortex before... and was bored. There are times I wish that cynicism didn't come so easily for me. At times I've blamed the church I grew up in for my state of mind. The feeling that the world was against us in an active, oppressive way was very real in that place. Perhaps the blame for my mental habit sits more comfortably on my friend Matt. You are who you hang out with... at least to some extent. I was never so charming and I left town before things got messy. Maybe I was the control rod keeping things straight. I doubt I had that much influence. The seeds were planted. What would I be if I had stayed? Am I really that much better off? I'm fairly content with my life as it is. I do wish I had a woman to hold, I feel the pull of instinct and intent, but "it's not like shopping for a car" and I don't want just anyone. "It's better to live on the corner of a roof that share a house with a quarrelsome woman."

It's not all about me... It's just that I'm closer to myself than anyone else.

Are you reading this, Rachel? I doubt it. I'd be surprised if you were. I'd be a little frightened... Not that you're stalking me but that you might see me a little more raw than I'd prefer you see me right now. But that's just stupid, I know. How will I ever get into an emotionally intimate relationship if I never let anyone know what I'm thinking. If you were reading this, I'd also be encouraged or flattered to think that you even care what I might be thinking or saying.

The problem is that I don't really say much of use to anyone here. I may whine from time to time or just spout drivel simply because I want to say something. The words "I should write more" have been uttered many times by yours truly. The desire to create or express is buried within me. Perhaps it is in too deep to germinate and grow and flower. Occasionally a few thread like stalks push their way to sunlight but I really should remove some top soil and create and express more often. There are bad side effects to keeping everything locked inside. Well, not locked, just shut. I do have secrets but most of what goes unsaid isn't verbalized because of mere insecurities and the feeling that people really aren't that interested in hearing it. I can honestly say that I've been bored and been a bore and neither position is fun. When you're a bore you may not realize it until later and you feel bad because A) they weren't interested and B) you put them in an uncomfortable position. At least with this you can stop reading if you don't like it. Why is it so easy to be down on myself? If I found a woman (about my age and height along with a few other key factors) who valued, respected and appreciated me, I'm afraid I'd have to marry her. It sucks for me now though. It may suck for me then too because I might blind myself to her feelings for no good reason. Yeah, it also isn't good to depend on someone else to raise your value of yourself. But heck, self-doubt isn't uncommon in us creative types. Rod Serling (award winning writer and creator of the Twilight Zone" also struggled with similar issues. I'm not comparing my self to his talent, but I feel I'm in good company.

The problem with focusing on yourself is that it only makes you smaller. You keeping wrapping around and around getting tighter and more compact until you're just this little ball of bitterness. The key, I think, is to look outside yourself. Focus on God and on other people. What does it take to be a good friend? Is there somebody that you can help? Sometimes it doesn't take much, you just have to be willing and aware. It's not all about you. I am a hypocrite though.

Well, that's my rant or rave tonight. I'm trying to reduce the number of sentences that start with "I". That isn't easy if you are telling people about what you did or what you think.

Okay, I haven't posted anything in a while. There are times when I feel like writing something somewhere but i don't really have anything to say. I should update my webpage... well, not so much update as overhaul. I'm thinking about puting together a simple webpage that I can point people to without revealing any personal information. Some things just don't get done though. Web design isn't a joy of mine. At this point I'm just writing. I'm not very interested in what I'm saying right now. I don't see why you should be either.

Good night. Next time I may have something to say.

Dana

In a few days I'll be flying to Vegas to go to the NAB (http://nab.org) a huge video/audio/film/broadcast/etc convention with lots and lots of cool things to see. The bummer is that we have to fly out of an airport that's 2.5 hours away at 6:45 in the morning. Oh joy, Oh rapture. The up side is that after Vegas Tim and I are going to Seattle to pick up his Dad's pick-up truck and we're driving it back. Well actually we're taking a two week road trip down the West coast and then seeing the Grand Canyon and then some canyons in Utah. woo hoo. or as the gamers these days type: "woot". I'm not really sure what that means but I suspect it means "woo hoo". Now if only I can find my camera.

This is something I wrote to someone else. It sounded like the type of thing that should go into my blog so here it is:

... My weekend was a bit on the hectic side. Mostly that is due to my room mate and his friends. Basically, it was an unofficial party Friday night and Saturday night. Mostly that involved video game tournaments and movies being watched. I really wasn't involved in any of that but when stuff is busy around you it feels hectic. Friday night I was in the mood to do some work so I spend around 9.5 hours working on a large freelance project I've been working on for months. That was after I got home from my day job. I am by no means a workaholic but sometimes you just get in a groove and go with it. Saturday I got and went to the office and picked up some video equipment. Some friends and I are making a short film and have been taping on Saturdays. We shot from around 12pm to 11:30pm with a break for dinner. Thankfully, that's the last of the things we needed to shoot with the actors (except for audio). I went to bed, got up and went to church, then lunch, then a friends house to pick up a book and then I spent most of the day reading that book. C.S. Lewis' That Hideous Strength. Oh, I also hung out with a nephew for part of the afternoon. This next weekend I'll be in PA for Easter.

An insult
not sent in my direction
stings me still

A statement of preference
and blatent negativety
You shrank in my eyes

No doubt you'd apologize
if you knew I felt this way
I'm sorry you'd have to

Your opinion is your own
you should have kept it to yourself
to share it was rude

Forgiveness must be exercised now
that is my part
that is my part

another day of not much done
another day of wasted time
with much to do diversions cost
and some times ruin minds

overall life is good
I probably shouldn't complain
It wasn't a total loss
but a failure just the same


hey, it may suck, but it does rhyme.

Again it's late. I'm not particularly tired at the moment but I'll probably be asleep within 45 minutes. My friends and I finished the second day of shooting on our short film project. We're already behind and working on the weekends is definitely be draining. Ena is already overloaded with work because someone quit from her second job so she's filling the gaps. The lack of R&R is getting to her. I'll be going to Vegas in April to attend the National Association of Broadcasters convention. It's a huge to do for us video types. Lots of cool things to see and do. After that Tim and I may be flying directly to Seattle. His dad is going to Africa and won't need his old Pickup truck anymore. Carless Tim sees this as the perfect opportunity to take that photo-taking cross-country road trip he's been wanting to do. He asked me to come along for company. It's something I've wanted to do for a while too so I'm seriously considering it. Well, good night (morning) everyone. Enjoy life.

Don't you just love when it's 1 am but you're more awake than you were at 5 pm? I don't, but it isn't uncommon for me. I am definitely a night person, not a morning person. Even when I'm awake in the morning it can take a long time to actually get up.

Anyway, I was going to share my thoughts on "the perfect woman" for me. The things that come to mind are quite varied. Some of them are so unlikely that they aren't even a real consideration. They're the kind of things that you'd be insane to require in a future mate but if it worked out, it'd be insanely great. Well, maybe just a little nicer.

For instance, it would be great if she were a short girl from a tall family. That way I wouldn't have to look up to her and feel short next to her, but there'd be a greater chance that my kids would be taller than me. I'm around 5'6" and I'm about the tallest guy in my family, give or take an inch. If I marry into another short family and have short kids and they marry into short families pretty soon the Burman clan won't be able to ride the roller coasters at amusement parks. Maybe genetics don't work that way. All I know is that I prefer to hook up with a woman who is a bit smaller than me. Even that isn't a hard and fast rule, just a strong preference.

The concepts of ideals and preferences weighs on me heavy at some times. I mean there are a lot of single women out there but only a few types that I'm attracted to. It's not just looks. It's beliefs, maturity, personality and style. It's a lot of things. A lot of it is tied to the way I think about myself. For instance I'm more attracted to pretty or cute girls than I am to drop dead gorgeous women. Part of that is that is that I feel like if they look that good they have to be superficial, shallow, pampered and any number of other stereotypical things. I just can't picture myself with a really hot woman.

I'm not too interested in rich girls because I think they're too used to things I can't afford. I have a bit of an aversion to excess wealth as well (even though I'd like to have some of my own). I feel strangely uncomfortable when I'm in a really nice house.

It would be good to find a woman who is down to earth and not vain. She should be a little shorter than me and well proportioned. As far as facial beauty goes, I'd like to be able to tell her that I think she's pretty without lying to her :) Personality counts for a lot as well. Actually, her character is far more important that how she looks this year. Unfortunately attractiveness (chemistry?) can be elusive and not based on character traits. In those cases I guess I'll just bide my time in a friendship relationship until we get to the point were we can't imagine life without each other.

Well, I've babbled on enough tonight/this morning. I hope I didn't say anything too stupid.

May God bless you.
Dana

7 days.

I have 7 days to change my mind about the music. After that I'm locked in and can't get a refund. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry. I won't remember what I meant a year from now.

7 days from now, the first two days of shooting on the short film will have wrapped. There is much to do to prepare. There are permissions and props to obtain. There is coffee and equipment to prepare.

Within 7 days I hope to have my camcorder back from the Sony repair shop in PA.
Within 7 days I hope to be finished with the large freelance project that's been a part of my life the last few months.
Within 7 days I may do my taxes, but don't hold your breath.

Also within the next 7 days, I'll have bills to pay and prayers say and who knows, maybe a major life change. I'm not expecting a major life change, but it is always possible.

I see a busy week ahead and already I feel like I've forgotten something.

What a day. Nothing dramatic happened to me but I feel like it was a full one.

I went to work around 8am. That's normal for a lot of people but it's a earlier than usual for me. While at work I made a mistake that halted production for a few minutes. It wasn't a big deal. I don't work on an assembly line or a movie set with tens of thousands of dollars of people and equipment to worry about. I work in a small studio with a few other people and today we were only taping Ed Hindson sitting at a table lecturing on the Old Testament. I left work around 4:30. It isn't unusual for me to be out of there before then. That's a statement not a fact.

I got home and installed quicken on one of my machines so I can better manage my finances and prepare for taxes. I imported last year's records and got them synced up with my current balance. I had to search around a bit to find some paper statements from my bank. After getting it all squared away I went through and categorized everything that was business or charity related. I think I'm ready to start the tax process. Hopefully, I'll stick with putting things in quicken this time so it'll be easier next year.

When I arrived home my room mate told me I had some very good mail waiting for me. He was right. A rather large check from a client of mine came in. I'm not going to list the amount of the check here but it is second only to the check I got for winning the funniest video of the year on "World's Funniest". It's not nearly as large as that one but it's ... well, I could pay off my car with it. The sad thing is I might not get to spend any of it on what I want to. It depends on how much I owe in unpaid taxes last year and how much I'll need to prepay this year. Also, I give 10% of my gross income to God. I'm not going to say I wish I could spend that amount on myself or my business but the thought does creep up a bit. On the other hand I feel like He's blessing my business so giving is a way of showing gratitude and respect. All the money and material goods in the universe belong to Him anyway. Anything I spend it on will most likely be junk in ten years or less. It's not that much money in the grand scheme of things anyway. At any rate I have a large check that's already spent.

The Passion of the Christ came out today. I don't know how it is doing or what effect it is having on people. We don't have a lot of theaters in this area so getting a ticket will require more effort than I care to exert. I kind of feel bad for not wanting to see more ... well, passionately. There's something about hype that turns me off and this film has a lot of hype. That's not to say that I am impervious to hype. I've been known to be at the theater on opening night or at least opening weekend. It'd be hypocritical of me to use that as my only excuse. There's a certain something that scares me about the film. I am a Christian and I've complained about the cleaned up representations of Jesus on the cross. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll watch it and it'll change my life. Fear of change is a common fear. Fear of surrender and bowing your will is as well. I don't know how the film will effect me. Saving Private Ryan left me numb and a bit shell shocked because of the realistic violence. I came away from the experience grateful to the vets but not wanting to see it again anytime soon. Grave of the Fireflies, a Japanese animated film about a couple of kids in WWII, deeply effects some viewers, but it didn't have a profound impact on my life and outlook. The Passion will hopefully be more like the SPR in its effect on me.

Some Christians are very excited about the Passion. They feel like they're about to witness a new "Great Awakening" or revival. Cynicism isn't one of my better traits, it eats away at hope. We now have a dramatic, mostly accurate, reenactment of the death of Jesus. Does that mean people will see this and believe in Him? Could this one film do for its viewers what the actual event failed to do for some of its witnesses? Of course, thousands were added to the early church at that time so it's unfair of me to assert that most who witness Jesus' death and resurrection (or just His miraculous earthly ministry) weren't effected by it. I'm just afraid that we might be putting too much hope in a film. Sure it can (and will) be used by God to draw people to Him. Will it effect a lasting cultural change? Will this event (or echo of an event) change the world? I guess we'll find out in the next few days/months/years. This film is not a substitute for living a consistent, compassionate, godly life on earth. People who see this film may be drawn to Christ only to stumble on His followers' hypocrisy. I hope I'm not a stumbling block to anyone. I know I'm not anywhere near righteous or holy. There are times when I second guess my own faith. Only by the grace of God through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus do I claim any kind of purity.

Well, all of that is to say, don't expect a work of art to be more persuasive than the event it portrays. Of course, that initial event changed the course of the world completely. Maybe my cynicism is waning. Prayers will flow from my mouth that God may bless those who see the film.

Today my major freelance project didn't get worked on at all. I'm such a slacker.

When it's quiet and dark. When it's late and no one is around. When I'm awake and too afraid of waking someone up to call them. When even the sound from the TV doesn't drown out the silence that hangs heavily in the room. When the sense of disconnect is at its peak. Yeah, it's at times like these (or rather times like those a half hour ago) that the loneliness gets to me. I want to talk to someone. I need to communicate. To be honest what I really want is an attractive 22-31yr-old CSWF-NS to talk (or IM) to. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe I should just go to bed earlier :)

I'm getting tired. you know, just now. it's getting late. I'd go to bed the first episode of Inuyasha is on. I've seen a few episodes of the series but didn't know how it started. Some things make a bit more sense now. it just finished and now I want to see the next episodes. I'm not set up to record stuff off TV right now. I don't know how much I'll misunderstand because I really don't know much about Japan's feudal history, its mythology and religious beliefs. Anime TV series are more more interesting when you watch them from the beginning.

Okay I'm a little less tired than when I started writing this... I should go to be before starting Big-O.... too late it's started.... and it's Act 1 as well. No sleep for me tonight.

have a good one.

Many moons have past since I've written last.

Well, stuff has happened. great stuff. and some not so great. hey, I'm 30 now. I haven't really thought about it much but my friends made a big deal out of it. Most of them are in their mid twenties or so. Anyway, they threw me a surprize birthday party. I can't tell you how surprized I was. When someone makes you wear a blindfold and get in a car, you get a little suspicious. Most of my friends (or at least the inner circle) took me out for steak and Ena invited some of the others to Mike's place to play games. It didn't take much to figure out that's where I was headed. They tried to surprize me by having no one at the party at first. When the blindfold was lifted only Daryll was there sitting on the couch watching a documentary. Yay, big party. But then a couple of my nephews jumped out and yelled "surprize!" I can honestly say that I didn't expect my sister and her family to show up. That was cool. Matt Uncapher showed up later. I was surprized at his appearance and impressed that he took the time to drive down from Charlottesville after being up since 4am and driving up there from N.C. that same day. My friends even got me a new PC game that I wanted. It weren't not a cheap one neither.

Thanks again guys for your generosity and support. I probably don't deserve to have you all as friends.